Tag Archives | meltdown

An incomplete task will likely result in an autism meltdown

My son, Cameron, has never done well with leaving something unfinished… it’s especially evident when it comes to video games. It’s for this reason that we try to steer him away from games that can take weeks or months to finish. Certain Mario games consisting of 8 worlds comes to mind.

Asking him to stop in the middle of playing a game, painting a picture, playing with his toys, trying to read, watching a movie… just about any of these things can cause him to have a complete meltdown.

Sometimes it’s not even something that he particularly enjoys… but if his mind is focused on it, he will not cope well with having to leave it before he has a chance to finish what he started.

It’s not always a complete meltdown… sometimes it’s a mood switch. Where he’s been doing great all day, gets interrupted this one time and then, for the rest of the day, he’s moody, grumpy or just plain… not himself.

These are the methods we’ve used to avoid this from happening.

incompleteMake sure it ends

Simple enough right? But this is the best method, obviously, that we’ve found to ensure that there is no issue.

This means that art projects are short, or at least, will never take longer than the time allotted. Movies are played through to completion and that video games are only about an hour long.

The Mario Party games are perfect for this, or racing games. He can start and finish a game in about an hour.

Structure and/or Repetition

One good method is to simply know what to expect each day. This is especially effective at school… when one class ends and another begins, he knows that his time is up even if he’s not done.

It doesn’t affect him as much because it’s how it always is. The same thing, every time.

It’s a bit like my next point, except without having to know how long minutes or hours are.

5 minute warnings

This one varies, since it doesn’t always have to be 5 minutes but essentially, we tell Cameron that his time is almost up, to finish what he’s doing and to get ready to do something else.

This gives him the time to wrap up and put what ever finishing touches he needs on something to help him walk away from it without having a meltdown.

It doesn’t always work out perfectly and he’ll either need a little extra time or we’ll just have to deal with the meltdown but for the most part, this helps him get ready for what’s coming.

Timer

Most children have no idea how long 5 minutes is… which is largely due to our own inconsistencies. Since we’re often doing things ourselves, 5 minutes can sometimes be 6, 8, 10… sometimes even 15 minutes. This can be very confusing and frustrating sometimes.

Cameron does really well now, not really caring just how long 5 minutes is… but at first we had to be pretty rigid.

We’d do this with a timer… having a smart phone with a timer on it is very handy.

When he heard the timer ring, he knew that his time was up. It would sometimes still be a problem since he might not feel he is finished though… again, sometimes having to spare a few more minutes or deal with the meltdown.

Does it ever get better?

Well, Cameron is only 6 so I can’t say for certain if he’ll ever be able to cope well with it… everyone is different after all.

But so far, it’s very encouraging because he copes a whole lot better than he did when he was younger. Which of course, is very much reflective of age just as much as autism. Children in general don’t handle that sort of thing well.

We still have meltdowns to deal with sometimes, particularly if it’s something he really enjoys like a video game or a new movie… but it’s far less frequent now than it was in the past.

We don’t need to use timers anymore since “5 minutes” is generally good enough for him to know that he needs to start finishing up.

Personally, I don’t like having to leave work while I’m in the middle of something I really want/need to get finished. I don’t have a meltdown by any means but it’s hard on me. So I’d imagine, if my son is anything like me, he’ll never fully get over it either.

But he is doing great and has come so far already so I am confident that he’ll manage just fine with dealing with things like that in the future.

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The complications of having delayed sensory overload problems

I have a bit of a booming voice, it can get loud… so when my dog is particularly bad or my boys stop listening and I raise my voice… it gets attention. I’m not yelling or screaming out of control by any means, it’s just… raising my voice is… loud.

The problem with this is that my son Cameron is especially affected… since a sudden loud voice like that can send him running to hide under some blankets.

At least when that happens though, it’s instant. I’m done, he’s done… we go about our day. No worries.

The real issues come into play when it’s not done and over in an instant.

A positive is a negative

Cameron shows some pretty amazing resilience sometimes when it comes to being able to handle himself. Yesterday was a perfect example of this.

My boys were invited to a birthday party at an indoor playground where kids were free to just go anywhere and do anything. There were games all around, flashing lights and a huge network of netting and tubes to climb and go through.

A child’s paradise!

house of wee

Cameron is in green

When we arrived the place was full which meant the entire place was just a wall of noise. An occasional crying child somewhere in the distance, lots of screaming and a bit of laughing mixed in.

Cameron and his little brother jumped right in and played just as any child should… it was quite nice to see. They had a lot of fun.

But I knew, I just knew that this was going to be too much. It was too much for me and I wasn’t right in the middle of it.

See, Cameron won’t just have a meltdown right in the middle of the place… instead, he’ll store all that pent up energy until he’s back home where he feels safe.

So, even though he can have a great time and handle himself quite well for quite some time… it comes with a price.

Solving the mystery

At first, this presented quite the challenge for us as parents as we’d have to figure out why our little guy was completely out of control for a day or two. To us, it would seem completely random that he’d just be really moody, extremely hyper and very much unwilling to listen to us or do the things we asked of him.

But it wasn’t random. It was actually very much a cause and effect situation (which most things are), where the effect was hyperactivity, irritability and lack of control… and the cause was over stimulation that no one had noticed.

What would happen is that my son would go to school and they’d have an assembly, or go on a field trip, or a party like the one I just described… something somewhere would happen and even though my son had a wonderful time and everyone thought he was just the most perfect little boy… there was actually a time bomb building up pressure, waiting to get home.

The biggest thing is, it’s entirely up to us as parents to solve that sort of thing too because no one else will ever see it. They only see the boy that holds it all together during the day.

Over time, I’ve come to recognize the clues though. For example, at that birthday party, when it came time for everyone to sit and have cake, all of the kids were excited.. but only Cameron bounced in his seat. Literally.

He had so much pent up energy in him, beyond what the other kids had, that he quite literally could not keep his butt on his seat. And while he was still quite happy and having fun, I knew that if he can’t keep his butt on his seat even after I ask him too, that it’s a sensory problem that’s been building up.

Something he just has to do for himself

This is one of those cases where, we as parents, could decide to just not go to those places so that we don’t have to deal with the after effects but that’s not very fair to him. He loves going to those places and doing those things.

We could read every book we have and talk to every professional we can find and try to set up systems and procedures to deal with the after effects at home in a constructive way.

But ultimately, this is something that he has to learn to deal with. I can help to guide him as best I can, help to calm him, focus his energies somewhere… but this is something that is likely to stay with him for the rest of his life.. unlike me.

And to be honest, I think he’s starting to get it. When he gets home, he’s still moody and hyper but he’s learning to take time for himself to go off and make believe something on his own. His little brother gets mad sometimes that he can’t go be with his brother but it’s obvious that it has to be that way.

When he’s given his space and allowed to get that energy out through pretending his favorite video games, pokemon or bey blade battles… what ever it is he needs to envision… it works for him. At least usually.

It’s great that he’s able to do that. And it’s even greater that he’s able to put it all aside in the moment and be “just one of the kids” when there is fun to be had.

It’s been hard for us to figure out and to deal with… I’m sure it’s been even harder for him… and we’ll always get people asking questions about it as it’s not quite ‘normal’… even by autism standards… but it is what it is and it works for us.

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Handheld devices and the benefits to children with autism

I mentioned on Twitter the other day that my son wants a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas and a few parents got into a discussion about how great the handheld devices were for children with Autism. Also, when I wrote about taking children with Autism out to restaurants, a lot of parents were quick to point out that they often brought along devices as well to help.

So what is it about handheld devices that are so great for children with Autism? What are the downsides?

It’s all about control

handheld devicesHaving something right in your hand gives you complete control over it. That means that if you pause a movie, take a wrong turn in a game, flip pages in a book too fast… no one will be upset, no one will say anything… it’s only for you and you are in control of it.

You don’t have to wait for anyone to do anything, you don’t have to ask for permission before making choices… it’s all yours.

Doing what you love

My son loves to read books and play video games, which means that I can put a book in his hand or a handheld video game system and he’ll keep himself amused for hours. It’s what he loves and it’s right there in his hand.

When we parents think about bringing something to the restaurant to amuse our children, we don’t grab things they hate.. we get what they love.

Sometimes that takes trial and error but most likely you’ll find something pretty quick, especially since they get to control it.

Blocking out the world

The best thing about having something in your hand, engaging your senses is that it allows you to block out other input around you, such as sights and sounds.

If you have Autism, this could be huge. No more restaurant noises bothering you… however, if you’re a parent trying to get your autistic child’s attention while they’re playing a handheld game.. you may find yourself getting frustrated pretty quick.

Putting the three together… you have something you love, complete control over it and you can immerse yourself into that handheld world, blocking out the rest.

These are very important to children in general, more so to those that have Autism. People with Autism focus intently on the things they love, to the point where they need to block out the rest of the world.

Educational

Everything your child absorbs when they can control it, love it and focus solely on it is learned on a scale far greater than any other method.

And it doesn’t have to be an educational program or math book to do it either. There are life lessons in movies, there are problem solving and motor skill building qualities to video games. Your child will gain a lot of valuable knowledge and skill simply by being so engaged by that device in their hands.

There are no distractions, they love it and get to enjoy it even more when they have full control over it. What they learn… they learn. It doesn’t just go in one ear and out the other.

If you do get them reading a book, or doing an educational program on the ipad or something along those lines… all the better!

The one big downside

There is one major problem that most everyone will run into, Autism or not… but a child with Autism will find it even more difficult… that is when it comes time to turn it off.

The more a person loves something, is in control of it and is completely immersed in it as if it’s your whole world… the harder it is to have it ripped away.

I don’t know anyone that had an easy time getting a game, or book, or movie, or ipad, etc away from their child when they’re fully immersed in it. It’s going to be a battle…. at first.

But you can look at it more as a way to practice for the real world because let’s face it… if they don’t learn how to let go now… there will come a time when they’ll have to do it at school, work or just generally in public and if they haven’t had that practice, it could be a huge problem.

It used to be the #1 cause of meltdowns for my son.. he’d do great all day, get a game for a reward and then blow up when it came time to turn it off. But as I said, it “used to be”. He’s so much better now because he’s learned, over time, that it’s ok to put it down. It’s ok to put it off for another time because soon enough, if he behaves, there will be another time.

We just had to endure the meltdowns for a while to get to this point.

Handheld devices such as books?

You may have noticed I referenced books in with the other electronics in my examples… for Cameron, he loves books. A lot of the time, we can get a book from the library or from a friend and he’s more than happy to sit down with that for an hour.

He can’t read much of it (only really small words) but that doesn’t stop him from enjoying it.

You don’t have to force feed your child movies or video games… anything they love will do. Sensory objects, art work, books, money… yeah, my son also loves to sort out coins and such.

That being said, there’s nothing wrong with movies, games or ipads… they’re all helping your child to learn too. You may wish to limit those things a bit more but still, there’s no harm in giving your child a good game or movie.

The escape, the interactions…. all of it is not only good, it’s important. Your child may have a meltdown when it’s time to turn it off but it’s still valuable coping skills they’re learning.

Don’t feel like you’re doing anything wrong by letting your child stare at something in their hands for an hour or two… it’s good for them. It’s a valuable growing tool.

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Knowing your child’s limits

No one knows your child better than you do… at least, that’s how it should be. That’s not true for every single parent but that’s a subject for another post. I digress…

All children have limits, Autism has a way of setting the bar a tad lower so that it’s hit a little sooner, a little more often. However, it’s still a bar to reach and as the parent, you begin to recognize where that bar is and how far away your child is from reaching it.

The terrible twos

angerIt’s usually around the age of two when that limit begins to show itself in a recognizable fashion. It’s around this time that afternoon naps stop happening as part of a routine and begin happening as a way to calm the storm.

For what ever reason, when children get tired… they do one of two things:

  1. They put their head down or against what ever they have next to them, unable to keep their eyes open any longer, then fade away into dream land
  2. They build momentum, gathering energy from the depths of their being and turn into very loud, very hateful little monsters that freak out at seemingly anything and nothing

Does any of that sound familiar? Do you remember those days?

Anyone that has a child older than 2 recognizes the “uh oh, I think someone is ready for a nap” part of the day where nothing can keep a child from getting upset.

Autism and the years that follow

The reason that it’s called the terrible twos is that children grow out of that, they stop having naps and hopefully stop testing you so much.

With Autism though, that may not be the case. Well, let me rephrase that… they may stop napping, they may stop testing you but they may still be reaching their limits just as easily as ever.

For example

My son Cameron, 6 with Autism has long outgrown afternoon naps. His little brother Tyler, 3 without Autism, has now outgrown naps as well.

However, there are still days when Tyler is very obviously tired in the afternoon and not happy with anything. On those days, he’s sent off to bed whether he likes it or not.

It’s much more rare but the same thing happens with Cameron, even to this day.

If he’s having a bad day, if he had a long day the day before, if he woke up too early, if he went to bed too late…. any number of things and in fact, sometimes it seems as though there’s no reason at all…. sometimes he’s simply just at the end of his rope far too easily, far too often.

Today was one of those days.

I work from home but we still have a babysitter during the day when my wife works… as I can’t really work and take care of them at the same time. Well, Cameron was at the end of his rope.. outright defiant and screaming at the baby sitter. So I had to step away from my computer and make an appearance.

It was very clear to me that Cameron had reached his limit and wasn’t coping with it.

Sometimes Cameron, and most autistics really, learn how to deal with it themselves… seeking out a quiet area to be by themselves, or even just sitting back and doing something so as to sort of “power down”, as I call it, to just relax for a bit.

Cameron was clearly not going to be powering down today on his own so I had to step in, get him to his room and inform him of his need to have a nap. He objected, quite loudly, but that was that.

Almost 2 hours later, he emerged from the room… a completely different child. TWO HOURS! So ya…. he was tired!

Pay Attention

You know your child and you know when they’ve gone beyond the point of no return. Meaning, they can’t calm themselves back down, they can’t seek out the quiet, relaxation they need on their own… you will have to be the bad guy and tell them that you don’t care what they want, they need to calm down.

Once completely out of control, they could hurt themselves or others… even if not, sometimes the grief is so strong after that they feel guilty for days for how they acted.

If you can’t avoid it from happening before hand, you have to step in and do something as it happens before it gets out of hand.

Know your child’s limits.

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Forgiving the volcanic emotions

If you are familiar with Autism in the slightest, you’re likely familiar with the term “meltdown.” There is no specific definition for this in terms of an Autism behaviour so I’ll give it a go:

A term describing a complete lack of control or reasoning during a temper tantrum as a result from prolonged or overwhelming stress

That’s how I would define it, I think it is specific yet vague enough to explain what it’s essence is. The problem is that it has more specifics such as what causes the stress, such as sensory overload, fear, anxiety, frustration and so forth… which means that there are quite a few things that can trigger a meltdown.

Lack of control or reasoning

volcanoThe key point, I think, is the “complete lack of control or reasoning” portion of the definition. Again, this sounds specific but in a sense, it’s actually kind of vague and I’d like to explain why.

When you hear “complete lack of control”, you tend to imagine someone flailing around, screaming and maybe even writhing on the ground but it’s not always that way. What you’re picturing, most likely, is a child.

However, as those children grow older, that type of meltdown will become less likely, seeming far more controlled yet still fitting the definition that I laid out before you.

As an Autistic gets older and they develop language, structure and maybe even a life of their own… they can gain a lot of control over their emotions and thus, learn how to avoid meltdowns. Also, when they do happen, they’ll look entirely different from what you pictured with the child on the ground.

An adult, or even an older child that can speak, may lash out verbally, maybe even physically… they may say the absolute most hurtful thing that enters their mind, they may hurt themselves, they may seclude themselves away from all others, they may even have what would look to us like a nervous breakdown.

For the most part, all of these would appear to defy the definition. People can stop themselves from saying hurtful things or from hitting someone or from hurting themselves. People can avoid a nervous breakdown if they calm down, breath deeply, relax… people can seek out help rather than become isolated.

These seem like choices to us because as we develop, we learn how to recognize these situations and make those choices.

That’s not always true for an Autistic.

A meltdown is still a meltdown even if it seems like something we’d have done by choice. An outburst, a hateful response, violence… these things may be happening completely beyond the Autistic’s control and reasoning.

When this is the case, when it is beyond their control, a grieving period usually follows where there is extreme levels of guilt that they have to get through.

And you and I would think that if there is that much guilt, they’d try harder to not do it next time, or “learn from it” but you have to understand, that’s probably not possible.

I titled this post “volcanic emotions” for a reason… if you can picture a volcano where pressures build and build and build for a while and then finally hit the breaking point where all that pressure is released into a huge explosion of ash and lava… you can then also picture what is happening inside many of these people with Autism.

Young and old, the pressures of stress tend to build and grow until eventually they’re released in an explosion and that explosion is a meltdown. Whether it be flailing around on the ground screaming or lashing out with hurtful words and aggression… it’s beyond their control.

Doesn’t therapy help with this?

Yes and no… it helps. The real progress is made when the person is able to recognize the rising pressures of the stress and take measures to avoid it reaching volcanic proportions. This is a way to avoid it from happening, not from controlling it when it happens.

Why isn’t there a way to control it when it happens? Well, I’m not a scientist and even if I was, I wouldn’t bore you with scientific terminology however I will say that recent studies have shown actual physical differences in genetic make up, pathways, and more within the brain of those with and without Autism. Physical differences.

That means their brains physically work differently. That’s not something you can change with therapy.

Forgiveness

Therapy is important, avoidance is important… we all function so much better without stress, without nervous breakdowns and certainly without meltdowns in our lives.

If we can’t control ourselves when it happens, then it’s certainly important to learn how to avoid it from happening at all.

However, in those cases and situations where it’s unavoidable and it does happen.. it’s important to forgive those that went through it as well as to forgive ourselves if we were the ones experiencing it.

We can’t be mad at those that did or said something while out of control nor can we be mad at ourselves. Actually, we can be mad, being mad is quite alright and healthy. After all, those things did hurt. However we must also be able to forgive.

Whether you hurt someone or someone hurt you, you have the capacity to forgive… especially if they feel guilt, especially if they still love you.

It’s not an easy situation to be in, if someone has meltdowns regularly or even rarely… you feel that they should stop after a certain amount of time but they don’t. And it begins to build pressure and stress in yourself… making for two sources of stress coming together.

If you can’t understand and forgive… for their sake and yours… the pressure will only continue to build until a whole new volcano of emotions erupts.

 

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