Posts Tagged routine
Written on December 29, 2011 by Stuart Duncan 
Filed Under: Autism, Autism Holidays
I get this question a lot, because it seems very much out of the ordinary to not be up at midnight, getting drunk and kissing someone at the stroke of midnight. To not do it is… blasphemy!
The answer is really quite simple.
I wake up at 5am many mornings, sometimes earlier, sometimes I wake up often through the night. I have 2 children that require a lot of my time and energy even when I work 8 – 10 hours a day. By the time it’s 9pm and my boys are asleep, I’m ready to go to bed myself but I can’t because there is still more work or chores around the house that need doing.
So I get to bed around 11pm and again, sleep 6 hours or less if I’m up often due to the boys… and do it all again. And I do this 356 days a year.
So already the answer is forming…. but there’s more.
My oldest boy, Cameron, has Autism. That means that we can’t just hire any teeny bopper with a need for some cell phone minute money to come in and take care of my children.
In fact, even most responsible adults are not really ready to take on that task. Only those that know him well. And those people tend to have full lives of their own already so are not readily available.
Take a special day like New Years Eve and.. well, those older, responsible, living life people are already doing something on New Years Even that doesn’t involve being stuck in my living room while some kids that are not theirs are sleeping.
So no… we don’t go out and celebrate New Years Eve. In fact, we don’t even stay up until midnight.
Because when you add it all up, when you really stop to think about it… the needs of your children, the happiness you get from their achievements, the importance of you being there for them when they need you… all of what entails being a parent… Dec 31st becomes just another night.
You’ll still be ready for bed at 9pm that night. The kids will still wake up early the next day.
Besides, it’s not that I don’t “celebrate” it… it’s just that I don’t do what everyone else thinks I’m supposed to do. I give my wife a hug and kiss. We say “Happy New Year” to each other and to others as well.
It’s just different and believe me, different is one thing that we’ve become quite comfortable with around here.
Written on November 18, 2011 by Stuart Duncan
Filed Under: General
Most of the time, Autism makes things much more difficult… even the most simple of tasks. But sometimes, in some interesting ways, it actually makes some things easier.
Routine
All children need some sort of routine… even if that routine is a complete lack of routine. Wait, does that make sense? Anyway, when things are predictable, children feel the most safe and at ease.
This is ever more so important with autistics. Think of it as… obsessive compulsive disorder with a photographic memory. Now, obviously, not everyone is to that extreme but it should give you a good idea of what some people have to deal with.
If your child can memorize the placement of 1500 items around your house and NEEDS them to be in the exact same place at all times… you may as well invest in super glue because those things are not allowed to move.
So how is this a good thing? Well, think about it… your child kind of forces structure into your life, whether you’ve had it or not. You will always know when supper time is, bath time, bed time… you’ll always know which movie(s) or book(s) you’ll have to choose from… you’ll always know where you need to be and when.
Ok, imagine this.. you have one child with Autism and one without. Nap time is at 2pm each day. At 2pm every single day, your autistic child runs off to their bedroom and gets mad if you’re not there to turn off the light. Your other child? (S)He’s in the living room screaming and crying because they don’t want to have a nap today.
See the difference?
Same goes for bath time, bed time… you name it.
When the clocks were changed for Day Light Savings time one year, my son had a meltdown because we tried to keep him up a little bit later to adjust him to that extra hour. He was mad because he wasn’t going to bed when his internal clock told him it was time to do so.
My other boy? He has a tantrum when it’s time to go to bed… at bed time!
School
Dropping off my autistic son at school, in the beginning, was easy. You take him in, he sits down, picks up a book or a puzzle or a toy and you walk out. He did what he needed and at the end of the day, he went home. He’d have the occassional meltdown, not listen or what ever… but the fact that there were other people, that we weren’t there.. that life was just happening around him, didn’t seem to matter a whole lot. (this is aside from the break in routine, as discussed above. He did not like the routine change, but I’m talking about how it was once school became a routine… anyway, I digress)
My other son, on the other hand, was super excited about school because his older brother went there every day. It was a magical land filled with friends and games and stuff to do and you got smarter doing it. However, when you’re 3 and your parents abandon you at the door and there’s strange people all around you… that perception of the place quickly changes.
I’m writing this mid way through November and my son still cries when we leave him at school… he started at the beginning of September. It’s not a routine for him yet. It’s not feeling safe for him yet. He has a lot of emotions going on and a lot of needs and, while is doing very well at school because he listens and does his work, it’s a bit heart breaking to hear him bawling his eyes out as I walk back to the car (don’t look back, don’t look back, don’t look back!)
Presents
My son with Autism told us what he wanted for Christmas in July. JULY! While that may not be all that surprising in itself, what is a bit of a shock is that it has remained and still is the same wish. See, most children want what other children have or what they see on the television or what they hear is the next cool thing to have… my son figures out what he wants and that’s it. There are no other options. In fact, you can’t even ask him for other options (“What else do you want besides that?”) because there is nothing else. He spends a great deal of time thinking about it, but comes back with no answer. He wants what he wants.
By the way, heaven help us if we don’t get that for him! Yeesh!
My other son… put it this way, when family members phone me and ask what to get for him, I say “I have no idea.” It’s not that I don’t know him, I do…. it’s just that his tastes change, his desires change and, this is totally just my boy, but he has no specific want.
When I ask him, he tends to say something that he knows his big brother wants… why? Because there is nothing specifically on his mind.
What I expected is that his mind would change from product to product as he sees them on television or passes them in the store, and to an extent that does happen, but once all that is removed and we’re sitting around the dinner table, he has no Christmas wish list in mind.
One, I know what to buy for… the other? Haven’t a clue!
Conclusion
That’s only 3 examples but this is getting long already so I’ll end with this… Autism truly is a disorder and as such, can cause much disorder. In your life, in your family… it’s a struggle and no one can argue with that.
But there are positives. There are some ways in which you can appreciate the good differences. Not just the savants, not just the lessons of life in being more appreciative and patient and loving… but also in just realizing that it’s not all doom and gloom.
Take the positives, no matter how minor or insignificant or trivial they may seem… and smile.
I’m not asking you celebrate with me as my son doesn’t care if I leave him with strange people or not… but smile. Because it’s different.
Written on August 29, 2011 by Stuart Duncan
Filed Under: Autism
This post is assuming that your child has Aspergers or HFA level symptoms and thus, capable and “ready” for school.
The whole school process is a struggle enough. Parents have so much to get ready…. supplies, paperwork, transportation and more. Then you have the child who’s going to be heading out into the world, for the first time on their own, to fend for themselves.
It’s nerve wracking. It’s scary. It’s tiring.
On top of all of that, your child has Autism? This is a recipe for disaster if not prepared for in advance.
I don’t have all the answers, I’m just a guy trying to get my own kids through it but I can share with you some of the things that we’ve done. Maybe some of it will be new to you, maybe you’ll have much better ideas than I do (and please do share them in the comments!)
First Year
If this is your child’s first year of school, you’re going to have to do a lot of preparation in advance. This doesn’t start a few months before or even a year before… this should start as early as possible.
- seated learning time (counting, alphabet, shapes)
- scheduled snacks/lunches as per strict routine
- scheduled play time
- play with others. Whether that means playing “next to” another child or what have you.
- play groups would be ideal. Learning how to cope in a room with other children
Obviously this isn’t going to be fundamental or even strict for the first little while but as you approach that all important first day of school, it should become more and more a part of the regular routine.
A good idea to get your child ready is to visit the school and the teacher in advance and find out what some of the routines will be.
Also, listen for keywords because they may refer to certain things differently than you would at home.
For example, my son’s school has “nutrition breaks” rather than “lunch”
As part of your build up routine, have your child get up at the same time every day, get dressed, teeth brushed, breakfast in and everything before 8am or 8:30am.
I know that most of those things are a challenge on a good day but the more it becomes a part of the routine, the better it will go over time. It’s far better to struggle BEFORE school than when school actually does start.
Back to School
So your child has been to school already and is just finishing their summer vacation. That’s fine, a lot of the same rules will apply except that your child is likely a bit older which may mean having to rebuild some routines.
For example, your child’s bed time may have been pushed a little later since the sun doesn’t go down as early. Your child may even be waking up later as a result.
Going out to the park, swimming, sitting around and playing video games…. all of these things disrupt the routine and even though they know full well what to expect at school, they may still find it a huge challenge to cope.
About 2 weeks before going back to school, start to ease their bedtime back to it’s regular time. Not at all once but a bit by bit.
The week before school, go back to your school routine. Waking up at a certain time, going to bed at bed time… and everything else becomes school mode.
Get them dressed, fed, cleaned and even pack their lunches in the morning.
To make it fun, use that packed lunch as an excuse for some last chance trips to the park or the lake or what have you. Let them do their lunches as they would at school… meaning, no help (or not much) from you.
This helps them to get back into school mode.
The Best Thing You Can Do Is Not Be A Parent
I know, you just want to enjoy every last minute and make them as happy as possible for every last minute of freedom they have.
But that does very little to prepare them for what is to come.
And there’s no saying that the preparation can’t be fun. You just have to be creative. As I said earlier, go on picnics… give them rewards for a job well done.
Preparation is key, I’ve found. My wife is a master at it and really, this post is just notes as I tag along with her awesome planning.
The only way you can discover, recognize and avoid as many potential pitfalls and issues as possible in advance is to start before the fact. Treat the week before (or even 2 weeks before) as if they were school days so that you can hash out any problems or find out what will become problems before you have to deal with it for real.
That way, failed mornings don’t jeopardize an actual school day. It’s far better that you try to recover at home, where your child is comfortable, than at school where they really don’t want to be.
I’m sure your child’s teacher would appreciate it!
Written on July 14, 2011 by Stuart Duncan
Filed Under: Autism
The school year seems pretty crazy while you’re going through it… assemblies, meetings, field trips… but in reality, it is such a wonderful base for all routines. Up at the same time, in bed at the same time, eat at the same time, on and off the bus at the same time… it’s perfect. Well, as close to perfect as you might get.
Then the school year is over and summer time attacks your routine like a lion attacking red meat. The sun is up earlier, the sun goes down later, meals are rarely when they should be, you wake up and go to bed at different times daily and worst of all, you have no clue what day it is!
It’s strange too, because I do work Monday to Friday and yet I still find myself having no clue what day of the week it is most of the time.
So what’s the big deal?
Well, when you have a child with Autism, it is a very big deal. Routine is paramount to keep the meltdowns in check.
What happens is so gradual that you may not even notice it happening until it’s too late and very likely, you won’t put the two together as a cause and effect situation… but in time, your child will start to become more agitated, more prone to meltdowns, less likely to eat, less likely to sleep and more.
Missing out on your routine one day might not have much of an effect on the next day but over time, you will likely find yourself asking yourself why your child is misbehaving so much despite your best efforts to give them fun stuff to do.
So what can you do?
Well, there are a few things that can help with this.
- Camp – Many children go off to summer camp for at least a part of the summer. Camp is a great place for routines as well as keeping your little ones occupied. Specialty camps are available almost everywhere for special needs children now too.
- New Routine – So you wake up later, stay out later and eat later… so make it a new routine. Just make sure that the times you set are the times you stick to. Also, keep in mind that school will be starting again before you know it so before it’s too late, you’ll have to start adjusting those new routines back a bit to meet back up with the old school routine again.
- Alarm clocks – Notice it’s plural? If you want to keep your bed time routine the same as well as the wake up routine… set 2 alarm clocks. One for the time you wish to wake up and one for the time you want the kids in bed. The one for waking up should almost never ring since your children will wake up at their regular times anyway but for those times when you do fireworks or camp fires.. your little ones might be up late. And it’ll be painful to wake them up rather than let them get the sleep they need but that regular wake up time makes for a regular bed time later that day.
- Strict planning – A big part of routines falling apart in the summer is that you’re rarely home. The beach, park, camp and other places seem to eat the time up faster than you can keep track. And you’ll seem like the downer of the group for keeping an eye on the clock (watch, cell phone) but getting the lunches right at lunch time, the dinners right at dinner time and so one are very important. You don’t have to be home to get things done at the right time.
- Sacrifices – Sometimes, sacrifices can be made. For example, my boys are still a bit young for fireworks. They do love fireworks, mind you, but it’s not a priority. For Canada Day, we spent the entire day at the beach, water park, playground and with friends. They were ready for bed long before it was dark enough for fireworks. Did they miss out? Maybe on the fireworks but on the day? Hardly. They loved every second of it. My wife and I were the ones who made the sacrifice. We’re the ones who missed out but you know what? It was worth it.
Depending on your child, routines have to be strict or relaxed or, if you’re one of the lucky ones, are not all that important at all.
If it is important to you and your child, if you’ve had a good routine for most of the year, you may want to consider it into the summer as well because as I said, things might start going south and you won’t even realize why until it’s too late.
A routine is much more difficult to fix than it is to maintain.
Written on February 9, 2011 by Stuart Duncan
Filed Under: Autism
My son had a really rough night last night, and tough day today as well with the flu. I’ll spare you the gory details, let’s just say that we didn’t get much sleep and he didn’t eat anything today.
As the day unfolded, I continually went over in my head the next blog post that I would make about how he has never been the “sucky” type when sick, quite the contrary. He tends to just shut down, get mellow and do nothing all day. Sometimes we don’t even know he’s sick except that he’s not doing anything.
But as I prepared my boys for bed, something trumped all of that. The hours and hours I had been writing and rewriting in my head were gone in an instant and replaced with what I am writing right now. I was that surprised by it.
I am one of the very fortunate parents that does get regular hugs and kisses from his children, even though one of them has Autism. Rather than what you would call a “regular” hug and kiss though, I get them in patterns. I wrote about it here. This has become a part of our nightly routine… get them a small glass of chocolate soy milk, read a story or watch a later episode of Cat in the Hat and then off to bed, hugs, kisses and goodnight.
Tonight, because Cameron has the flu, I had to say no. Cameron stood up in his bed and said “don’t forget hugs and kisses!” and I had to say no.. not tonight. It’s most likely that he’s shared it with the family already but it’s still not wise to take the chance so I had to tell him that being sick means getting no hugs and kisses.
His arms dropped to his sides and he said “can I touch you? please? hold my hand?”
At that moment, anything else I had planned to write faded away. I had to write about this. But I never did come up with adequate words to express exactly how hearing those words made me feel.
Honestly… I had no idea just how important that was to him. For all the parents out there that seldom or even never get that kind of physical contact, here was my son pleading with me to not be denied it.
I took his hand, told him make sure he doesn’t breath on me… and pulled him up for a giant sized bear hug.
Flu or not. I’ll never deny him a hug again.
I wake up at 5am many mornings, sometimes earlier, sometimes I wake up often through the night. I have 2 children that require a lot of my time and energy even when I work 8 – 10 hours a day. By the time it’s 9pm and my boys are asleep, I’m ready to go to bed myself but I can’t because there is still more work or chores around the house that need doing.
