Tag Archives | behaviour

Conversations between a boy, his brain and his heart

By on August 7, 2011 in Autism

During dinner tonight, Cameron (my 6 yr old with Autism) began to explain that he did bad things yesterday because his brain told him too. His brain gave him the bad ideas and he had to listen to his brain and so that is why he did those things.

It was at this point that I decided to introduce Cameron to his heart.

Thought vs Feeling

Brain vs HeartI explained to Cameron that his brain will always want to do things… some things that are good, some things that are bad. That’s because the brain doesn’t know what is right or wrong. The brain just gives you thoughts and ideas.

I told him that there’s another voice inside him that makes him feel if something is right or wrong. It doesn’t make him want to do anything but it does tell him if what he’s doing is good or bad… right or wrong.

Cameron: “How do you listen to your heart?”

Me: “Well, it doesn’t really speak to you… it makes you feel.”

Cameron: “Feel what?”

Me: “If your brain tells you to go and play instead of eating your supper… your heart makes you feel good or bad about that. Your heart is what makes you feel if something is a good thing to do or a bad thing to do.”

Cameron “…”

Me: “Does your heart tell you it’s good or bad if you don’t eat supper?”

Cameron: “Bad.”

Me: “So even though your brain wants to go and play, your heart knows that you should stay and eat, right?”

Cameron: “I should stay and eat! I should listen to my heart!”

Decisions

Cameron: “So I have to make my heart tell my brain?”

Me: “No. Your brain tells you what it wants to do and your heart tells you if it’s a good thing or bad thing. Then it’s up to you to decide if you want to do it.”

Cameron: “I decide?”

Me: “Yes. Do you remember when mom would give you two shirts to choose from when you got dressed in the morning? She’d ask you ‘Do you want this shirt, or this shirt?’ and you got to pick which one you wanted?”

Cameron: “ya…”

Me: “Well, your brain will want to do things and your heart will make you feel good or bad about it… then you get to decide ‘Do I do it or do I not do it?’”

Cameron: “I get to decide?”

Me: “Yes. That’s why you should always listen to your heart.”

After dinner

I finished eating first but a short time later, Cameron left the kitchen table with a huge smile, went straight to his mom and said “Mom, guess what!? I finished all of my supper because I listened to my heart!”

He was so proud.

A little while later his little brother was getting into a little bit of trouble, so Cameron pulled him aside and said “Tyler, you have to listen to your heart! Then you won’t get in trouble!”

This isn’t the first time that he’s explained to us how his brain thinks up the bad things and he just has to do them. But until now, I really had no way to handle that sort of thing. A 5 year old with obvious language/understanding deficits can only be reasoned with so much.

But now…. he’s such a proud 6 year old. Still with deficits, yet wise beyond his years… and so very bright.

I have complete faith that, even though he’ll still get into trouble like any boy should…. he’ll never forget how important it is to listen to his heart.

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Knowing your child’s limits

By on August 3, 2011 in Autism

No one knows your child better than you do… at least, that’s how it should be. That’s not true for every single parent but that’s a subject for another post. I digress…

All children have limits, Autism has a way of setting the bar a tad lower so that it’s hit a little sooner, a little more often. However, it’s still a bar to reach and as the parent, you begin to recognize where that bar is and how far away your child is from reaching it.

The terrible twos

angerIt’s usually around the age of two when that limit begins to show itself in a recognizable fashion. It’s around this time that afternoon naps stop happening as part of a routine and begin happening as a way to calm the storm.

For what ever reason, when children get tired… they do one of two things:

  1. They put their head down or against what ever they have next to them, unable to keep their eyes open any longer, then fade away into dream land
  2. They build momentum, gathering energy from the depths of their being and turn into very loud, very hateful little monsters that freak out at seemingly anything and nothing

Does any of that sound familiar? Do you remember those days?

Anyone that has a child older than 2 recognizes the “uh oh, I think someone is ready for a nap” part of the day where nothing can keep a child from getting upset.

Autism and the years that follow

The reason that it’s called the terrible twos is that children grow out of that, they stop having naps and hopefully stop testing you so much.

With Autism though, that may not be the case. Well, let me rephrase that… they may stop napping, they may stop testing you but they may still be reaching their limits just as easily as ever.

For example

My son Cameron, 6 with Autism has long outgrown afternoon naps. His little brother Tyler, 3 without Autism, has now outgrown naps as well.

However, there are still days when Tyler is very obviously tired in the afternoon and not happy with anything. On those days, he’s sent off to bed whether he likes it or not.

It’s much more rare but the same thing happens with Cameron, even to this day.

If he’s having a bad day, if he had a long day the day before, if he woke up too early, if he went to bed too late…. any number of things and in fact, sometimes it seems as though there’s no reason at all…. sometimes he’s simply just at the end of his rope far too easily, far too often.

Today was one of those days.

I work from home but we still have a babysitter during the day when my wife works… as I can’t really work and take care of them at the same time. Well, Cameron was at the end of his rope.. outright defiant and screaming at the baby sitter. So I had to step away from my computer and make an appearance.

It was very clear to me that Cameron had reached his limit and wasn’t coping with it.

Sometimes Cameron, and most autistics really, learn how to deal with it themselves… seeking out a quiet area to be by themselves, or even just sitting back and doing something so as to sort of “power down”, as I call it, to just relax for a bit.

Cameron was clearly not going to be powering down today on his own so I had to step in, get him to his room and inform him of his need to have a nap. He objected, quite loudly, but that was that.

Almost 2 hours later, he emerged from the room… a completely different child. TWO HOURS! So ya…. he was tired!

Pay Attention

You know your child and you know when they’ve gone beyond the point of no return. Meaning, they can’t calm themselves back down, they can’t seek out the quiet, relaxation they need on their own… you will have to be the bad guy and tell them that you don’t care what they want, they need to calm down.

Once completely out of control, they could hurt themselves or others… even if not, sometimes the grief is so strong after that they feel guilty for days for how they acted.

If you can’t avoid it from happening before hand, you have to step in and do something as it happens before it gets out of hand.

Know your child’s limits.

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The TSA responds to Autism concerns over new “behavior screening” being used at airports

By on August 2, 2011 in Autism

tsaEarlier today, I wrote about my concerns over how “Autism symptoms may make the TSA think you’re a terrorist“, in which their new “behavior screening” process is essentially them making conversation with you and looking for any “suspicious behavior” which may indicate that you are hiding something.

At the same time, I emailed the TSA and asked them if they are going to include Autism and other special needs information for this training so as to avoid potentially embarrassing and very real damaging mistakes.

Their reply email comes with a disclaimer that says that I can’t copy or distribute it (which is a tad strange for an email) but I can give you a breakdown of their response.

Separate screening for special needs

The TSA has a special process for those with special needs/disabilities and what ever equipment/aides they may have. They take great care to include all areas (mobility, hearing, visual, and hidden) and has gone so far as to establish a coalition of more than 70 organizations that can instruct and train the TSA on their related conditions and issues.

They didn’t say how all of that would be included or associated with the new program they are testing at Boston’s Logan airport but one would assume that they’d make sure that those issues are brought to everyone’s attention.

Disability Notification Cards

The TSA has developed some cards which you can download (http://www.tsa.gov/assets/pdf/disability_notification_cards.pdf) and fill in. Obviously, as it says, it doesn’t exempt you from screening/questions but it will help to get your message across.

Also, in their email, they advise that anyone travelling with a person that has special needs/disability to voice their concerns and needs to the TSA officers.

The cards are a little more discreet though, than having a conversation about it in front of everyone.

If you need them later and forget about this post or the direct link, just visit http://www.tsa.gov/and search for “notification card” in their search box.

Thank you TSA

Well, they answered my question and didn’t… I still have some concerns. As I said in the first post, terrorists could take these steps which would mean they fake a special need in an attempt to get through the process.

Still though, it is a great first step and it shows that they are fully aware and doing their best to include special needs into their process.

There was a lot more about the program and how it works in the email as well, which was quite nice of them. However, as I said, I’m not supposed to “distribute” it or anything. I’m sure though, if you have questions, they will provide you with answers as well.

Contact them, as I did at http://www.tsa.gov/contact/index.shtm

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How Autism symptoms may make the TSA think you’re a terrorist

By on August 2, 2011 in Autism

airport securityI’m not really a fan of using sensationalist headlines to grab a reader but in this case, I think it’s warranted because the sad fact of the matter is.. it’s true.

A news article was brought to my attention called “Passengers Face Israeli-Style Behavior Screening at Boston’s Logan Airport” which didn’t mention Autism at all yet has a very real and very large impact on autistics.

The sentence of particular interest is:

Those who exhibit suspicious behavior like avoiding eye contact and struggling with answers will be pulled aside for more screening.

Does that sound familiar to you?

From the perspective of the TSA

Let’s look at this from their perspective. They need to be aware of anyone that looks suspicious, meaning anyone that looks like they could be hiding something.

I haven’t taken the training myself but it’s not a stretch to imagine these behaviors as indicators of deceit:

  • lack of eye contact
  • fidgeting
  • lack of confidence
  • anxiety
  • inability to give strong, well worded answers
  • inability to understand metaphors, innuendo, slang, sarcasm, etc from the interrogator
  • unable to tolerate being touched

There’s more but you get the idea. The TSA would witness this from a person and have reason to suspect something…. prompting them to take the person in for further questioning.

Small rooms, very intense atmosphere, very imposing people… if you’ve ever been pulled in for more questions, you know that it’s maddening for the most confident of people.

From the other perspective

You and I recognize that list of “behaviors” as symptoms or signs of Autism. You and I also know that taking that person into a small room for further questioning will not go well.

How often have we read about police having issues with autistics where they simply did not know what to expect? The police, thinking they’re protecting themselves, react to actions they don’t understand from the person with Autism.

This can range from those considered “low functioning” (dependent) autistics to even those that live an independent life but simply aren’t ready to cope with such strenuous situations.

By the way, I’m talking about adults here. It’s not just children with Autism but teens and adults as well. Many people believe, and some studies have backed it up, that Autism is just as prevalent in adults (1 in 100’ish) as it is in children.

So if 1 out of every 100 people that walk through customs at the airport has Autism and a good percentage of those people have symptoms that could resemble “suspicious behaviors” according to the TSA’s training… this could get messy.

We can only hope

Let’s pray that someone there has a bit of foresight to recognize that some people with disabilities need to be addressed. They need to be aware that not everyone that refuses to look you in the eye has something to hide.

They need to understand that someone with Autism, having to get there an hour or two ahead of time and wait, with all that sensory overload all around them, having to be in line for what could be hours just to get to the security…. put it this way, the airport experience can elevate an autistics symptoms long before they ever get to the security personnel.

That will only make things worse.

I understand the need for safety, I understand the need to be certain… but disrupting people’s lives can be disastrous to them. Disrupting the lives of people with Autism or other special needs can be even worse.

A trip through customs, the way the TSA handle things, could leave a very negative, life long impression that can never be undone.

Is there a way to avoid this?

Well, if you have Autism or are with someone that has Autism, you could tell them right away so that they know.

However, this isn’t a guarantee. I mean, let’s face it… what’s to stop a terrorist from realizing the correlation between terrorist behaviors and Autism symptoms (maybe they read this post!!) and then use that as an excuse themselves.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone faked having Autism.

So yes, do your best to make them aware and avoid the headaches in advance but don’t be too surprised if all of your attempts fall on deaf ears sometimes.

Conclusion

Let’s hope they’ve done their homework.

Only their awareness and ability to differentiate can avoid unnecessary altercations with special needs people. And ultimately, I’d think that they want that to avoid negative media attention.

Let’s hope that they can recognize the difference between an autistic and a terrorist.

…

I can’t believe I just said that.

 

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“I don’t like to lose!” – A tough lesson to learn

By on December 30, 2010 in Autism

While sitting here at my computer working, my son and his older cousin are in the living room playing Mario Party 8. Normally, this game is a wonderful tool for him to develop his motor skills, hand-eye co-ordination and even problem solving skills. However, as he gets better at it, he’s finding that he has a much harder lesson to learn… that he can’t win all the time.

I could hear it building until finally he stomped his feet off into the kitchen screaming “I don’t like to lose!” with tears streaming down his face.

At this point, I got up, went into the living room and looked at him. Again, he looked at me and screamed “I don’t like to lose!” so I said “well then, if you can’t lose at it, you can’t play it” and turned off his game.

At this point, I expected a much larger meltdown so I had to move quick while I had his attention.

Before he could even open his mouth, I said “do you want to play this game again?” and he yelled “YES!”

So I said “well, you’re not going to unless you can lose.”

I continued “do you like to play the new Donkey Kong game?” and he said “yes” and I said “well, you’re going to lose.”

I said “do you like to go bowling?” and he said “yes” and I said “well, you’re going to lose.”

At this point he came back in and sat on the couch… knees up under his chin.

I said “Let me ask you Cameron, if you win… who loses?” to which he replied “Emily” (his cousin).

I said “Do you think she likes to lose every single time?” and he said “no.” I said “well, if you win every single time, she loses every single time. I bet she doesn’t like losing either. It wouldn’t be much fun if she got mad and stormed off into the kitchen, would it?” and he said “no.”

I said “Do you think that Emily wins every single time when she goes bowling?” and he said “no.”

I explained to him that he has to lose sometimes, Emily has to lose sometimes… even I lose sometimes. But when you lose, you get better at it until eventually you will win.

He felt better about it, but there’s no quick fix for this. 10 minutes later, he was right back into the game and getting mad that he was losing. Some people never grow out of it. We all know people that get really mad about losing.

And trying to teach a 5 year old with Autism that you have to lose in order to learn how to win is quite a tricky task to be sure, but it’s one of the fun parts of parenting. I like to think that a little bit of what I said sunk in… and next time a little more.

For this talk, I lose. But I’ll keep at it until I win… because when I do, so will he.

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