Tag Archives | parents

How did ‘cure’ and ‘acceptance’ get to be such bad words?

By on April 6, 2011 in Autism

It’s no secret that the Autism community is quite divided on many topics and I’ve even written before about how easy it is to offend one side or another depending on what you say.

For the last 4 months, I had been trying to organize a rather large campaign to get as many people to write about “Understanding and Acceptance” for those that live with Autism every day.

It’s done well but has perhaps also added fuel to an already hot topic. One that has turned two very good, very positive words into opposing sides of a war.

Cure

This word is often used in finite terms, such as how antibiotics can kill a virus or infection and leave you without a trace of the offending agent of illness.

The issue here is that many people with Autism (especially Aspergers) and even those that love them, feel that autism is a part of what makes a person the person that they are. It affects every aspect of their life from birth to where they are today and to remove that would be like removing a part of who they are.

When a loved one (usually a parent) is presented with a child that is “low functioning”, they would love nothing more than to cure their child. Some children (even those that are of adult age) are unable to speak, use a toilet, live independently, they hurt themselves, wander off with no idea what they’re doing or where they’re going… they’re unable to express themselves, their feelings or desires.. they’re trapped.

What results is the people from group a (Aspergers/high functioning) often resenting those from group b (lower functioning loved ones) for wishing to “remove” a part of their children. They consider it quite offensive to think that Autism is an invasive illness that needs removing.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the cornerstone in giving women equal rights, abolishing slavery and in squashing racism… it is therefore considered necessary to give those that are different a chance to co-exist as equals among those that are “normal.”

Many people view Autism/Aspergers as a gift, an ability to think and visualize the world in a very different way from a person without it, however, it also comes with some complications in that their senses may over load them, they are unable to socialize as easily or effectively and may need some “allowances” from people such as added patience and understanding in both their professional and personal lives.

Should people learn to accept and understand these differences, not only could those with Autism/Aspergers excel but may be able to excel much further than anyone has before them in their field!

Well, the problem is that it’s all well and good for those that can work, those that can socialize even if only a little but for those parents/loved ones who witness their child being bullied, beaten, isolated and even institutionalized because they don’t even have a chance at acceptance since they are unable to truly interact with the world to begin with, acceptance is not only impossible but it’s a source of anger.

Those loved ones don’t need anyone to accept their child. They need for their child to learn to talk. They need for their child to learn to use the toilet. Acceptance, to them, is like expecting a bird to be able to fly before it even hatches from it’s egg… much less grows it’s feathers.

They can’t even think about acceptance because without a cure, there will never be acceptance… and if they had a cure, why would they need it?

Conclusion

bad words

bad words

The disconnect here happens because people view the world in black and white… there is their world, and then… well, that’s it. Their world. You can’t blame them if it’s someone they love, especially a child. You very quickly learn to not care about other people’s rainbow coloured happy places when you want your child to simply have a chance at a normal life and people attack you for it.

Likewise, you can understand how someone, anyone really, would get upset when others think that you should have a part of yourself removed because they don’t think you’re good enough the way you are. If you have any self worth, any self confidence, you are more than happy with who you are and don’t care what anyone else thinks.

The thing is, there’s a world beyond our own and we can’t push our world onto other people. What someone wants for themself isn’t necessarily a reflection of what they want for you… or how they view you for that matter.

One mother that wants the autism out of their grown, non verbal child doesn’t necessarily want the autism out of a 12 year child that has a higher IQ than Einstein.

Likewise, I’m sure most people with Autism/Aspergers that can fend for themselves would never want a parent to have to take care of their child forever.

These are not bad words and certainly not a cause for hatred. We just have to stop taking things so personally. We have to learn to accept that there can be a compromise.

A new way to think about old words

Perhaps a cure doesn’t have to mean “removing all” and instead can mean “removing the barriers”… implying that they’ll still have autism but maybe now they can talk, leave home, hold down a job and start a family of their own.

Perhaps acceptance doesn’t have to mean that the world just says “well, they’ll never talk.. accept it” and instead means that the world accepts that there needs to be a change in priorities, a change in how funding is not available, a change in how parents feel so alone with no where to go.

The world isn’t black and white. And the world isn’t just about you. We can co-exist… and understand that people want what they want and that they have their reasons for wanting it.

Don’t be so quick to judge, don’t be so quick to get defensive. A cure is not a cure for all and acceptance isn’t acceptance for all. Either support each other in their goals and desires or don’t. There’s no reason to hate.

Comments { 9 }

Parents Magazine completely forgot about Autism Awareness Month… and then…

By on March 24, 2011 in Autism

While checking around the various social networks and news sites, I came across this About.com news story: “Parents Magazine Ignores Autism Awareness Month“. The good news is that this is likely not going to be a mistake that they repeat next year because they got an ear full!

Autism advocates quickly “liked” their Facebook Fan Page, not with the intention of liking them, but being able to voice their disapproval (I think disgust is a better word but I’m trying to be nice).

The awesome folks at Try Defying Gravity have been covering this expertly and really helped with the push towards getting this resolved and resolved, it is… well, sort of.

Here is the statement, in the discussion group page of Parents Magazine Facebook Fan Page:

We would like to say again how grateful we are for your feedback and for the reminders in the last 48 hours that autism is not just 1 in 110—it’s about real people and real families. We feel that one of the best ways we can educate our readers and raise awareness for autism is through real-life stories. This is why we want to give you the opportunity to share your story with us and our audience as part of a blog series in addition to our planned articles. If you are interested in participating, please email FacebookSupport@meredith.com with the following information:

• Your Name
• Child’s Name
• Living with Autism: Your Family Story (Please keep stories to 500 words so we can include more voices in the blog.)
• Photo of your child/your family (*Optional. We will include one photo if you’d like.)
• Link to your personal blog/website (*Optional.)

We are very sorry for making you and your families feel dismissed or unappreciated. It was not our intention. Autism is an issue worthy of Parents magazine’s attention and we hope we can move forward together to raise awareness throughout April.

They screwed up, they know it. But does a discussion page post tucked away somewhere in the middle of page 2 really make it all better?

I think they could do better.

But instead of waiting on them to do better, let’s follow in Try Defying Gravity‘s example and do better for ourselves.

Update your blogs about this, share this on Twitter and on Facebook and let’s get their hidden message out and give them so much to write about that they’ll need a double thick issue, or better yet, need to devote the next 2 months to Autism.

Keep in mind, I am passionate about this because their response ties in perfectly to what I’ve been trying to do, and that is to get people to share their stories on April 2nd. The Awareness is Not Enough campaign is going strong and this is the perfect opportunity to get your story out there to the world.

If you’ve been wondering how you can best share your story, this may well be it. So email them. Their email address is in their statement above. Let’s make sure this is a mistake that they never ever make again.

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He’s my son

By on November 29, 2010 in Autism

One of my two year old twins, Logan, has autism, SPD, very significant food allergies, and seizures. The twin brother, Colton, does not. It has been interesting to me, in the nine months since Logan’s diagnosis, the various things people have said in response to that. A neighbor come into my home once and told me, “Oh, what a shame that Logan is that way. But what a comfort it must be that you were able to have one twin that’s not got problems. At least you have Colton and the other kids.” At the time, I was so angry, I invited this neighbor to leave and never come back. But that incident provoked a whole thought process in my brain which turned out to be a good thing!

Yes, Logan has autism. Logan has sensory issues. Logan has food allergies that are so significant that they can ( and have) cause anaphylactic shock. He is the only two year old I know that has a twinject prescription that has unlimited refills. But even with all that, more importantly, he is my son.

I do not love Logan any less than I love Colton or my five other children simply because he has autism and other issues. I do not love Colton more because he does NOT have learning delays, or allergies. While I do have to do things differently for Logan because of his special needs, it does not change the fact that he’s my son.

When I write about Logan on our blog, or introduce him to someone, I do not say, “ This is Logan, he has autism.”. I say, “This is my son, Logan.” You see, that thought process which my neighbor provoked, inspired me to search within myself and come to some carved in stone realizations.

Autism does not define my son. Autism is not the sum of his existence. What autism has done for our family, however, is taught us to sit back and enjoy the little things. Milestones that my other children hurdled as a matter of course, are now something we celebrate. Not because Logan has autism, but because Logan has mastered something new after days, weeks, sometimes months of practice and struggle, without every giving up. We have learned that a victory is a victory, no matter where you are in life.
Logan is not “that way”. Logan is Logan, and that’s all he will ever be. Just as I am me, and you are you. It’s as simple as that. Yes, Logan has therapy to help him. So what? I have spell check to help me, because I have fingers that like to type before I finish a thought. Both therapy and spell check are tools. Everyone has different ones, for different reasons, and it makes you no less of a person, by using them.
Loving your child is all encompassing. Whether the child walks or talks or grows up to be President of the United States, he/she will ALWAYS be your child, and you will always be your child’s parent.

Now, when someone “consoles” me because I have Logan, I simply say, “Why are you consoling me? Logan is a gift. He’s my son.”

Comments { 8 }

Something That Upsets Me: When One Autism Parent Tells Another Autism Parent “How It Is”

By on July 3, 2010 in Autism

Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not talking about people offering support or advice, I mean the ones who outright tell you that you have to put your child on a diet, they tell you that vaccines are what caused your child’s Autism, they tell you that you have to do what they’re doing and they tell you that they are right….  which obviously implies that… you are wrong.

Now, I have my opinions on some things such as the vaccine debate, but I never force that on anyone. I have my opinions on the diet, as the gluten free portion really helps my son but none of the rest of the diets do. We all have opinions! There’s nothing wrong with that.

But please stop trying to tell me or anyone else what you ‘know’ (when what you mean is ‘think’) is true.

First of all, there is no definitive answer to the vaccine debate, no matter how certain you are, the diet does help some, but not all and every single therapy and drug out there that helps one child also does not help another.

Autism is a trial of hit or miss, a life time of “try everything” where you quickly become a researcher, doctor and psychologist all in one despite the fact that all of your degrees are found through hear-say from other parents, the doctors at your family clinic and Google.

Most recently, which is what set this post off, a woman replied to another parent’s question on what to do, with one word: “DIET” and went on about it and included how [she believed] her children were harmed by antibiotics or vaccines, including a little disclaimer: “Pretty sure everyone else’s avenue there is similar (vaccines OR antibiotics).”

This really quite upset me, and I was so tempted to lash out in response but instead, I did reply but simply stated that no.. not everyone is similar.

The fact is, not every parent believes that their child was harmed due to antibiotics nor vaccines. So please, do not speak on my behalf.

While I sat there, tempted to hit the submit button with all my anger and frustrations typed out in a rather emotionally charged response, I thought about why it angered me.

I think that I just come to expect more from people dealing with Autism. It’s true! Think about it, Autism is a spectrum disorder, that means that no two cases are identical. It also means that symptoms, causes and treatments can be and mostly likely are different for most Autistics.

It’s the one thing that all scientists, doctors and hopefully even parents can agree on… my child with Autism is simply not the same as your child with Autism.

So I just sort of expect that other parents would simply speak to each accordingly… that they’d share THEIR experiences and what works with them but never presume to tell anyone it’s what they have to do… that they’d share what THEY think caused it but never presume to tell someone else that it’s their problem too.

It angers me, it really does. I write this blog to share my experiences with my son so that hopefully you see something that inspires you or makes you think “hey, maybe we could try that!” Maybe it’ll help you and your child, maybe not. But I’d never write something saying that you must do what I did or think what I think.

I’m sorry that this isn’t your typical, feel good, type of post from me but I feel I had to let it out, otherwise there would be twitter and/or facebook replies that would start a whole mess of arguments that really didn’t pertain to the situation or help in any way.

So feel free to reply to me here, if you disagree or wish to share. That way we can keep valid questions/support free of needless digression.

Comments { 2 }

Social Media Could Not Have Come at a Better Time, Let’s Use it For Autism!

By on June 23, 2010 in Autism

It’s sadly ironic that a disorder affecting 1 in 110 children (by current estimates) can leave you feeling so alone. How can a world of almost 7 billion people have around 63,000,000 Autistic people in it and still leave us feeling like we have no one to talk to and no one who will understand what we’re going through? Mathematically, it seems ridiculous.

But the truth of the matter is that we do feel alone, we do feel isolated and we do feel like no matter how hard we try, we just can’t get people to understand what it’s like. More so than that, we feel lost as there are far too few programs, organizations and professionals for us to talk to.

Luckily, for many of us, we have already had a fair amount of experience with the internet and have grown accustomed to seeking out information for ourselves, some are even adept at researching for more information, or keeping themselves up to date on current trends. But it’s only been in the last 3 or 4 years really that our greatest tool has been brought to us, social websites!

Now, more than ever, we can connect and share stories and information with each other one on one or in groups. Facebook and Twitter are my personal favorites and I have received an overwhelming amount of support from the wonderful people I’ve found there.

I highly recommend using these and many other social sites as tools in your quest to add more information to your arsenal, and even to help gain that extra support, motivation and inspiration you may need to get you through some of the tougher days.

I do have a couple words of warning however, from my own personal experiences.

  1. Beware the temptation to win the popular race. This is especially tempting on Twitter where you see that # next to your Followers indicator and you just want it to go up and up and up. The truth is, you’re seeking knowledge and information that is extremely important to you. What you need is a community of followers and those you follow that will give and take from you the strength and information that will keep you all going. It’s not a popularity contest, as many on these sites will have you believe.
  2. Don’t let anyone “TELL” you what to think. It’s very easy to see a Facebook fanpage with hundreds of thousands of fans, or a Twitter account with hundreds of thousands of followers and think that they must know what they’re talking about, so what they say is obviously right. I think, in most cases, they would never do that and would only do their best to advise or share information and let you make your own decisions. But there are some out there who try to make up your mind for you, and try to ‘convince’ you to think the things they think. Remember, no matter the ‘popularity’, these are just real people out there like you and I, and they have no right to tell us what to think.

Don’t tell yourself you’re a nobody and shouldn’t contribute, because all of the people in the community are created equal. Perhaps they have done more research than you have, perhaps not… but they’re real people. And as a community, I’ve never once felt like I wasn’t appreciated for giving my two cents. It’s been a truly remarkable experience actually, intimidating at first but as I started to receive welcomes, feedback, support… I found that these places aren’t so bad.

I always pictured them as prank places for kids, you know… where teenagers go and talk about the latest pop stars and share dumb jokes but in all reality, there are some very very intelligent people, extremely supportive people and an absolutely amazing community that you can be a part of.

I really do hope you take the plunge, it’s so worth it.. and when you do, visit my fan page: http://www.facebook.com/autismfather
Be sure to scroll down on the left hand side and view the “Favourite Pages” section to find some truly wonderful fan pages full of information, people and stories.

Also, visit my twitter lists as they are filled with people just like you who would love to hear about your experiences, and may have advice or may even learn some things from your story themselves:
http://twitter.com/autismfather/autism-parents – A list of people who have at least one Autistic child. These people know and understand what you are going through.
http://twitter.com/autismfather/autism-resources – A list of resources where you can get the latest news, research, events, charities and more stories.
http://twitter.com/autismfather/amazing – This list is called ‘amazing’ because that’s the only way to describe the people on it… they have Autism, and they share their experiences on Twitter.

1 in 110 is staggering… you are most certainly not alone, not any more. Join us and become an active part of the community. Every person that does makes it stronger.

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