Tag Archives | friends

Birthday parties, autistics, parents and choices

By on February 9, 2012 in Autism

While many parents feel a great deal of pain in accepting the reality of a birthday party-less life for their autistic child, I have found that there are in fact some parents, a small number, that just don’t seem to get it.

The usual problem


birthday partyThe problem that most autism parents face is isolation… that feeling you get when your child is never invited to birthday parties. The parent feels this through osmosis, meaning, they feel isolated because their child feels isolated. They know that the question is coming one day: “Mom/Dad, how come I never get invited to birthday parties?”

It’s a terrible feeling, and not just because it is saddening, but it’s also maddening. Because deep down, you know the reason. In fact, in a way, you probably don’t even want your child to go to those birthday parties. So loud, so bright, so much excitement, socializing, awkwardness…. yes, for many children with autism, it’s far more a nightmare than a dream and yet… the child doesn’t know that. They just know, or one day will know, that they are missing out on a world of fun.

And so, as a parent, you are left with a twisted up stomach, knowing your child feels alone, knowing your child feels like they’re always left behind, knowing that one day your child will ask you and knowing that one day, you’ll have to answer.

The unusual problem

In my son’s (Cameron) case, we don’t have the usual problem because of the great school that he attends. He is in a “regular school” but they have dedicated 5 classrooms to children with autism, which means that his friends all have autism as well.

So when his friends have a birthday party, he’s invited. Or when he has a birthday party, he has friends to invite. It’s actually pretty awesome in many respects because, not only are they not missing out, but they’re gaining those valuable party skills that they’ll need in college (hey, I can dream, can’t I?).

Here’s the thing… even though the other kids in all of those 5 classes have autism, not all of their parents really “get it”. What I mean is, they don’t realize how lucky they are to have their kids going to birthday parties.

The problem that I face, is whether or not to invite certain other autism children from those classrooms. They’re the ones that easily meltdown, easily get aggressive, have little verbal ability…  you have to understand, they’re great kids and I love to see them when I stop in at the school, but it’s obvious that they will need some extra help and attention at a place like a birthday party.

What I expect, and this is probably where I am going wrong, is that their parents would understand this and do something as simple as… stick around. You know, go to the party and be there with their child to help out should a meltdown occur, to say to me “oh, don’t do that because my child doesn’t like that” or “my child can’t eat that”…  stuff like that. I don’t mind changing things up on the fly, I’m an autism parent too!

But they don’t do that. They leave.

And to be fair, I’m not talking about the parents who honestly and truly have something they need to do, like work. But the ones who see it as a break…. a chance to be free.

It’s not a chance to be free. It’s a chance to learn valuable socialization skills. It’s a chance to do something that many other children with autism can not. And this parent is taking it for granted. They’re taking advantage of it.

What to do?

So at my son’s next birthday party, I have a choice to make.

Do I invite that child even though I know that things could be… well, let’s just say, more of a struggle?

Should the child miss out because of their parent? Should the child be punished? Or, would it be more of a punishment to actually invite the child to a place that he/she won’t be able to cope with? I mean, if I don’t invite the child, the child stays home with their parents, where they’re comfortable and at ease, right?

I’m not really sure what the right answer is… all I know is that it would be so much easier if the parent just took it more seriously. If the parent would see it for what it is.

To those parents:

Don’t make me have to choose whether or not to invite your child just because you can’t be bothered to stick around.

Birthday parties aren’t the same for you or I, compared to “other parents”. Not for the person throwing the party nor for the parent of the child that is invited.

I’m sorry that it’s not happy, fun, break time for you like it is for other parents. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be a really great time.

You need to step up.

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Humans are social beings. So if you’re not social, what are you?

By on January 16, 2012 in Autism

Taken from Wikipedia:

Humans are social beings. In comparisons with animalia, humans are regarded like the primates for their social qualities. But beyond any other creature, humans are adept at utilizing systems of communication for self-expression, the exchange of ideas, and organization, and as such have created complex social structures composed of many cooperating and competing groups. Human groups range from families to nations. Social interactions between humans have established an extremely wide variety of values, social norms, and rituals, which together form the basis of human society.

This makes me wonder… what about the people who are not adept at utilizing those systems of communication for self-expression? Is this why some people instinctively see special needs people as less than human somehow? Is this why, when a person is unable to use those systems, to communicate or demonstrate self-expression, they are thought to be “in their own world?”

It sounds a little harsh, to think that, if a person isn’t social, that society would view them as “less than human”… but really, this shouldn’t be new to anyone. Aristotle thought this way too.

“Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god. ” 
― Aristotle

Granted, he included the “more than human” but that’s likely in reference to the savants or prodigies that lock themselves away to work tirelessly on what ever it is that they do.

I mean… a beast or a god? Really?

how to win friends

No wonder this sells so well!

Says Who?

Personally, I have always questioned: If everyone is different, why would everyone have to have friends?

Think about it. Every single person is different. All seven billion. And yet poets and story tellers continue to tell you that everyone needs someone to love and everyone has to have friends.

Why?

Why can’t a person be ok with not having friends? Where did the term “hermit” come from if there aren’t people out there who prefer to be left alone?

Feeling Lonely

Everyone feels lonely sometimes. People that have more friends than they can count can feel lonely sometimes. Is it more likely for a person that has no friends? Sure, but perhaps there’s a reason for that besides the fact that they are alone.

Think about it… why would a person who prefers to be alone be lonely because they are alone? It doesn’t make sense.

In my past, when I had no friends because I was working so hard, I felt very lonely and very depressed. But it wasn’t because I had no friends.

I felt that way because I was conditioned to. Every poem or story I read, every movie I saw, every person I talked to would tell me that I had to have friends…. more so, I had to have love.

Not one person or piece of entertainment told me that it was ok to be alone. In the movies, the hermits would eventually find a family or a place to live and “finally be happy” with others. The others would either eventually commit suicide or “remain alone for the rest of their days”…  ugh.

Be Yourself

Other than highschool peers, people will tell you to be yourself. That you’re unique. You’re different. There isn’t another person out there like you.

But you have to have friends, like everyone else, because everyone else does… or else you’re “beneath our notice”.

It’s very contradicting and it’s very belittling and it’s very confusing.

Sure, a lot of people without friends do not choose for it to be that way and therefore, have every right to feel lonely and a little down. But some people want to be that way… they eventually find themselves depressed and aren’t sure why.

In either case, don’t listen to Aristotle… don’t listen to the media, entertainment or poets… it’s ok to have no friends. It might be temporary. It might not. Depending on what you want.

But be yourself.

Who knows, you may think you want to be alone only to find that you really don’t… once you are confident enough to be yourself… confidence attracts… friends!

But you are still very much human, friends or not… love or not. Want it, don’t want it… it doesn’t matter, just so long as you are yourself. Friends and love, they’re out there. I won’t think any less of you for wanting them or not wanting them.

You don’t have to have friends to be happy but it certainly helps to be happy if you want to have friends.

So either way… be happy for being you.

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How my wife planned the perfect birthday party

By on July 25, 2011 in Autism

My son’s 6th birthday was the first birthday that involved friends from school, not just cousins and other family members. This meant that there would be other children there with varying severity levels of Autism as well as some children that had no special needs at all.

This presented a unique problem. How do you keep excitement up and keep it under check at the same time?

The Location

bday 6 location

Can you get more perfect?

The first challenge was the location. Cameron wanted his birthday at home where he’s comfortable, all of his toys and games are and he can feel like people have to come to him. That’s actually pretty important.

However, it’s not very practical. First, our house is not that large and it’s not that clean. Cleaning it before hand and afterwards as well is a daunting task on top of the rest of the preparations… and if anyone decides that they’re not in a rush to get home, we’re stuck with them. Not that we mind, we love them all dearly… right?

It turns out that in town, there is a very large park with a playground, water park area and lots of land to play around in… but it’s always crowded. That wasn’t a very good choice either but, outside of town, there was an identical park only smaller and it was along side a lake, which meant beach area. So, playground, water park, some space to play in but not as much and a beach… to top it all off, literally, near the water’s edge but not too close was a roofed in area where we could sit, organize and even play. This little area was surrounded by three picnic tables.

Best of all? The park is almost always empty, or close to it. Being outside of town, it was rarely used… even on hot days.When we got there to set up, there was only 3 other people in the entire park.

The Food

bday 6 food

Gluten free - looks great!

Being that there were special diets for some, not for others and pretty much everyone had things to do on their own, my wife planned the party to run from 1pm to 3pm. This meant that people could eat lunch, come to the party and be home before dinner.

Some people always tend to miss out, or get a bit hungry while there, she made sure to bring a couple of containers with grapes, strawberries, cheese, gluten free crackers, a bit of lunch meat and some chips. Not all of it was eaten but quite a few people did snack so it worked out perfect.

As for the cake… she made a small’ish cake the week before, as it was the first cake she had ever baked. She bought the ingredients and mixed it and made it herself, first time ever. And not just that, it was gluten free… even the icing.

So it went well but not perfect but that’s why she did it… to practice. Then, the day before the party, she made two of those cakes, put them side by side, iced it all and put on some decorations.

For the actual design, she used Photoshop to put together a very nice design with Cameron’s favourite Mario characters, printed it at Walmart, had a bakery print it onto edible rice paper and stuck it on top of the cake. Presto… a very lovely, very yummy looking cake. It was perfect.

The Games

bday 6 games

Fun in the water

We had one child that preferred to be on his own although we did catch him playing one on one with another child for a little while, some children were all over the place and from time to time, some children needed a little alone time.

This can make organizing games very difficult and we even had one adult at the party ask us why there were no games.

Here’s the thing… at a park that has a beach, water park, playground and lots of room to run around.. you don’t need games. You can have a few children racing to the playground and back, a couple others playing tag and a couple others playing cars at a table. Everyone’s happy!

Did any of them miss games? Were they upset they didn’t get to pin a tail on a donkey? Not in the slightest.

Cake and Presents

This turned out to be quite tricky but for the most part, the adults all backed up and let the other children crowd Cameron as he opened his presents. They all got to sit at the table to eat cake and they all got to stand up at the table and hover over Cameron as he opened presents.

We were a little concerned that Cameron might feel anxious about it but he never did and the other children really loved that they could get the best look possible. It meant for some tricky positioning to get the photos I wanted and from time to time, we had to ensure that they didn’t start getting in each other’s way or pushing but for the most part, children do remarkably well when given a little freedom.

Coming to an End

bday 6 end

Tyler - little brother

After the cake and presents, it was quite amazing to see as one child wandered off to a bench to stare at the lake, 2 other children went to another part of the park to see ducks in the lake, 1 child went off to the waterpark, 2 to the playground and the rest into the roofed in area to play with some new toys.

They all had different ideas of what to do and some needed some space, some didn’t… the adults were able to clean up a bit and talk… it was perfect.

This meant that the children were all able to cope well with going home and hopefully even do well that evening since they were able to release some anxiety and stress on their own, on their own terms.

If we had the party in our house, that would not have been possible.

It was at this point that some adults began to question what was happening, why one child was on his own, why we let them all go off… and no, it’s not frustrating having to explain.

It was actually a perfect example and a great opportunity to explain one of the more important aspects to Autism… letting the children have their freedom. Despite their age, we have to respect that they know exactly what they’re doing. They know what they need.

That Evening

bday 6 cameron

Cameron - Happy Birthday!

As Cameron opened his presents to play with, he really had no problem at all sharing with his little brother. Much to our dismay, as well as Cameron’s, his little brother proceeded to break toy after toy… after toy.

Personally, I’d have been furious but not my Cameron. He took them away from his little brother but he’d tell him that it’s ok, it was an accident and move on to something else.

He was completely understanding and calm the whole time.

To me, that’s a true testament to many things, including what a great kid he is but also to what a huge success his birthday party was.

Such a huge day, in a big park, with a hot sun, with lots of friends, lots of sugar, exciting presents and so much more and even when faced with what should have been meltdown inducing on many levels, he was calm and happy.

Today is the day after and while we have a strict “no video games first thing in the morning” rule here, I was more than happy to let him play one of his new video games when he got up for being such a super trooper the whole time the day before.

He earned it.

And to my wife, it couldn’t have been any more perfect.

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Quantifying Friendship

By on March 28, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

I pick up my younger daughter and her classmate from their school each afternoon.

We drive to oldest daughter’s school in the next suburb and collect her.

Each afternoon follows a set pattern, pick up two, and drive the same roads, park in the same place. Walk to the others classroom, play the same games, bell rings. Leave with three. Get in car in same order, drive same route, and offer the same snacks.

Three children on the autism spectrum, I try to minimize changes in routine, avoid conflict.

Each afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

We drive out of the first school, the two clamouring for snack. As we approach the T intersection the ‘bad thing about today’ is revealed – a child roaring like a dinosaur, the teacher changing the actions to a song.

As we pass the swimming school the two begin to talk about ‘my best day’, seeing a snail in gardening class, playing a with favourite toy.

While I wait to turn into the other schools car park, both voices in the back seat express concern over what will happen if we park in a different place.   On good days we get our special parking space, on the rare bad day I spend a few minutes reassuring them it is okay to park in a different place.

We walk into the other school, they both bolt for the playground, I follow, we play the same game, the climbing equipment is the boat, and the ground is the sea. I am the shark, squeals of feigned terror as the shark approaches, giggles of delight as they escape the shark.

The bell rings, two sets of hands reach up and cover two sets of ears, two voice exclaim ‘too loud’.

Then the rush of children out the classroom doors, loud joyful noise as they escape the school room again. We wait, oldest daughter is always the last out, organisation is a challenge, easier to wait until her classmates are outside and the room is quiet, and then she can think, remember what needs to be packed to come home.

Finally we are on our way again, three in the car. Slowly we exit the busy car park, all three voices talking about their day, all three demanding that the others be quite and listen.  We turn the corner towards the train tunnel, oldest recounts why she has named it ‘The Echo Tunnel’.

Another corner, as always this corner turns the conversation towards fairies, what attracts fairies, what repels, where to look for them. Every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

As we approach the duck pond my heart sinks in anticipation, a corner is turned, the yellow sign with Mama Duck and two baby ducks is passed “Excuse me, are we friends?” the question is asked.

Oldest daughter replies “No. You are my sister’s friend.”

Younger sister answers “You mine friend.”

Classmate responds in matter fact voice “oh. Okay then.”

Each day I insert my social story voice into their conversation “It is okay to be friends with more than one person. Your sisters’ friend can be your friend too.”

We drive under another bridge, I’m ignored as always, conversation turns to invitations to come over and play, lets hunt fairies in the garden.  As we pull into classmates drive way I’m besieged by petitions to please can we stay, please can we play.

Weeks turn to months, every afternoon the conversation follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.

Then one day, we approach the duck pond. My heart sinks, the questions is asked “Excuse me, are we friends?”

And there is a pause, I slow down, ears alert at this change.

Youngest daughter answers “You mine friend.”

The two turn to oldest daughter, she has not spoken, she is thinking, I hold myself silent, hoping for change.

“I think we are” she says “You believe fairies and so do I, you have a little sister with autism and so do I… is that enough things to make us friends?”

He listens quietly, seriously and after due thought he responds “I think maybe we need more things.”

We go under the bridge but the conversation does not change. Something new is blooming here on our drive home.

All three are silent, thinking.  “How about ten things, if we have ten things that are the same, would that make us friends?” oldest daughter asks.

“Yes, it would, ten things is good” he answers

And a rising babble of voices explodes as the three work out ten things that are the same.

Every afternoon the conversation still follows the same route. Topics dictated by the landscape we drive through. Street signs, letter boxes and houses the visual route markers to our verbal dialogue.  As we pass the duck pond the same question “Excuse me, are we friends?” But now we have a different answer, a list of ten ways they are the same, ten things to make a friendship.

 

 

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Autism and Facebook – A how to on Friends Lists

By on February 23, 2011 in Autism

I’ve talked to several parents that use Facebook to share pictures and personal information, many are quite frightened of what they put out there and more importantly, who is able to see it.

Facebook has become quite complicated, that’s what happens when you try to give everyone everything. However it does have security measures in place to help you protect your information.

Privacy Settings

There are a lot of articles out there on “Privacy Settings”, if you haven’t read any, I strongly suggest that you look them up. This is probably the most important aspect to protect your data as it will determine what people will see from outside of your circle of friends.

However, since there are so many articles out there, most are better than what I can do, I will skip that and move on to something that I know very well: Friends Lists.

Edit Friends

At the top right corner of the Facebook website is a menu called “Account” with a down arrow beside it. This indicates that if you click on it, it will drop down to reveal more options.

Click on that and you should see a menu that looks like this:

Click on the “Edit Friends” menu option to be taken to a page where you will now see a list of all of the friends you have. Also, on the left of that, you will see the lists available to separate your friends into.

Create a List


At the top, there is a Create a List button. Click on that and a new little box will pop up. This gives you the chance to name your list as well as pick people from your friends to put into that list.

I suggest creating lists such as Family, classmates, coworkers, Autism and FB Games.  You can have way more, or not even use what I suggested. The options are yours. I suggest these for specific reasons that I will show you later.

Edit Lists


When you have your lists created and you’re looking at the page with all of your friends on it, you will see little “Edit Lists” menu options next to each of their names. You may have to put your mouse over the person’s name for it to appear.

When you see it, mouse over that Edit Lists text. If that friend belongs to a list or several lists, they will appear in a little black box next to your mouse cursor.

When you click on it, a box opens showing you all of your lists with checkmarks next to the lists that this friend belongs to.

From here, you can put people into one or more lists very quickly.

Using Facebook

Providing you read up on your Privacy Settings and you now have all of your friends tucked away into your lists, you are now ready to use Facebook with some peace of mind.

Here’s how it works.

When you do just about anything, whether it is setting your status, sharing a link, adding photos or just about anything else really, you will be able to see a little “lock” icon next to the action you’re taking.

By default, it should be set to “Friends Only”, if you mouse over it, it will tell you. It should look like this:

Once again, you should notice the down arrow. This means that clicking on it will offer you more options. So click on it before you do anything else.

Choose your friends wisely

Once you click on that lock icon, you will be given a new little box where the real power lies.

This box is divided into two. The top portion has people that CAN see what you’re about to share and the bottom portion has people that CAN NOT see what you are about to share.

The first thing you should notice is the drop down which allows you to choose if friends of friends can see what you’re sharing, if just your friends can see it, if only you would ever see it or.. my personal favourite, “Specific People…”

Specific People is what I ALWAYS choose. There’s almost never a time that I wish to share one thing with everyone but obviously everyone is different.

Once you select Specific People from the list, a new little box will appear for you to type in. As you type into this box, magic happens. As you type the name of a person, it will give you boxes that you can click on with your mouse to choose those people. The thing is, it works with lists as well.

As you type “F… A… M… “… the Family list will appear. Click on it and a blue box with the word Family will appear indicating that the only “specific people” that will see what you’re sharing are the people in your “Family” list.

Once you’ve chosen the list(s) or friend(s) that can or can not see this, click on Save Setting and then proceed with sharing as you normally would.

There are some links and status messages that I wish to share with ONLY people that I know from the Autism community, so in those cases, I choose the Autism list. I play some games like CityVille… in those cases, when a game wants me to request things from people, or put something on my “wall”, I choose the “FB Games” list.

This way, none of my family or Autism people will never see CityVille requests. Likewise, family won’t be bogged down with Autism links that they likely won’t read.

Keep in mind, this exact same thing works with the “Hide This From” portion of the box. You can choose lists to exclude. So if you want everyone in your friends list to see something except your family… you can do that too.

Conclusion

Facebook is supposed to be about friends only, so sharing information shouldn’t be a problem… they’re all friends. But the simple truth is that even if you have nothing to hide, some people in your friends list simply don’t need to see what you’re sharing.

Sometimes though, you do want to hide some information from some of your “friends”. That’s just how life is sometimes.

Take the time to make your lists. Do it now before it becomes too big of a job. It’s easy to maintain because each time you add a new friend, you’re given the option to immediately put them into some lists.

Once you do this, all of those Autism links you share with Autism friends will never be seen by anyone that is not in your Autism list. All those family pictures will only be seen by family members. It’s as simple as that.

Final Word

Once you have all that done, and you’ve read those articles on Privacy Settings (you have read one, right?), you can now revisit your Privacy Settings and customize them.

Your lists will play a STRONG part in the over all privacy of your Facebook experience… not just what you share, but what people see in general.

For example, yes… if you enter your cell phone # into your details, it will be there for all to see. But not if you adjust your Privacy Settings. Go to customize, scroll down to the Contact section and click on the box next to Mobile Phone. Choose “Custom” and start picking the lists that can and can’t see your cell phone #.

It’s that easy, once you have the lists in place.

Your privacy is very important, your friends getting information thrown at them that does not interest them is also important to consider. For these reasons, you really should use Friends Lists on Facebook… and use them at all times!

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