One Reason Why Parents Do What They Do

By on July 5, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

In my previous post I left off with a question pertaining to YOUR nonproductive responses towards your child’s challenging behaviors that leave you asking yourself, “Why in the world do I keep doing that?”  Good question and it’s one that I’ve asked myself on more than one occassion.

Answer:  because according to the Choice Law you make the choices that you do because at some level (conscious or unconscious) the results work for you; there’s a payoff.  Caution:  be aware that you may have some blind spots to the impact of your payoff system (I did!).

You would think that rational, normal-thinking adults would not repeat behaviors that leave them feeling guilty, frustrated, and upset with themselves!  However, if you’re like me I’ll bet that you could come up with a list of personal examples where you’ve done this:

  • You eat when you know that you shouldn’t.
  • You smoke when you really don’t want to smoke.
  • You give in to demands when you know you should stand your ground.
  • You lose your temper when it’s the last thing you wanted to do.

Let me repeat this:  the Choice Law says that we choose our behaviors because we perceive (consciously or unconsciously) that they will serve a purpose…generate some level of value for us…no matter how illogical this sounds.  I’ll bet that you have life-examples, perhaps the ones I listed above, that cause you to know that what I’m saying is true.

So how can you use this information to continue to strive to strengthen your relationships with your child rather than cause possible long-term damage to your relationship?  Well, I’m not a psychologist so all that I can tell you is what has worked for me:

  1. Write out a list of the three most nonproductive responses towards your child that you tend to repeat.  Be specific about what you do and/or say.
  2. Write down one to two sentences explaining why you find this nonproductive pattern negative.
  3. For each of the nonproductive responses listed above write down the perceived outcome or payoff that is maintaining the nonproductive response(s).  This will be the hard part and might require a trusted friend to help you.
  4. Once you find your payoff for your nonproductive responses toward your care-receiver you need to establish a course of action for positive change.  Here’s a cheatsheet for 29 ways to positive change:  http://zenhabits.net/the-habit-change-cheatsheet-29-ways-to-successfully-ingrain-a-behavior/

The bottom line:  at some level, our negative responses towards our children’s challenging behaviors are often shaped by the outcomes we think OUR behaviors will produce.  People have a tendency to do what they perceive will work.  Finding your payoff and plotting a course of personal change will help you to regain personal control and positively strengthen the relationship between you and your child on the spectrum!

As you know, sometimes the journey to self-discovery is not easy, in fact, it can be downright difficult.  But it’s worth it because in the end you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve done everything possible to be the best parent that you’ve been called to be.

Michael Woods (Founder of Relational Crisis Prevention)

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One Reason Why Children Do What They Do

By on July 4, 2011 in Autism, Parenting

Let’s be honest.  The truth is that sometimes we are totally baffled as to why our child with autism does the things s/he does!  If you’re the type of parent who’s open to new concepts, and I’ll bet you are, then I’d like to share one with you concerning challenging behaviors.  It’s called the Choice Law.

The Choice Law states that at any given moment children have choices…and they will always choose to do what they think will work for them!  Doesn’t matter whether they are boy or girl, tall or short, or mild to severe on the spectrum!  It’s the law and here’s what it says:

You do what you do because at some level (conscious or unconscious) you believe your choice of behaviors is going to benefit you.

It’s a very highly reliable law of behavior and if you take a few minutes to reflect back on your life history you’ll know that there’s truth to it.

Let me say it another way because it’s important that you get this:  if your child did not perceive his/her behavior as generating a positive outcome for himself he would not do it.  Plain and simple.  No matter how illogical or strange his behavior may seem he is engaging in it in order to create some potential beneficial result.

Let me state it yet another way because it’s really really important that you get this if you are going to successfully trouble-shoot challenging behaviors:  if your child chooses to engage in a behavior again and again it is because it produces (at least from his perspective) a potential beneficial outcome.  Conversely, if your child does not engage in a behavior again and again it is because it did not produce (from his perspective) a beneficial outcome!

Therefore, one of the first steps in reducing crisis behaviors or de-escalating crisis behaviors is to determine what the perceived beneficial outcome is from your child’s perspective.

But hold on because that’s not where I want to go with this blog post!

The direction that I want to move towards is the understanding and application of how this life law applies to YOU and how YOU respond to your child’s challenging behaviors.  If you’re like me, you’ve responded to your child in ways that causes you to shake your head in disbelief and ask yourself:

  • “What is wrong with me?”
  • “Why on God’s earth do I keep doing that?”
  • “I hate myself when I do that, so why do I keep doing it?”

Good questions.  Answer:  people do what they think will work for them. But that’s just part of the story.

Let’s talk more about this idea applies to parents in my next post…

Author:  Michael Woods (Founder of Relational Crisis Prevention)

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The rainbow has more value than the gold

By on June 30, 2011 in Autism

As the light breaks through the clouds, one storm ends to reveal a spectrum of light… so beautiful, so magical… a rainbow.

Some would say that a rainbow hides something golden, at it’s end… but I argue that it shows us something golden before it’s end.

A golden treasure never found has no value. Even if it could be found, it has the potential to change, corrupt and even destroy a person’s life. Those without such riches are seldom ready for their burden without first taking the time to earn them.

If you have not learned what you have not earned, you are doomed to lose it.

A rainbow is never hidden. It’s value has no consequence. You need not earn a rainbow to appreciate it or enjoy it. You run no risk of ever losing it.

A rainbow can be enjoyed by all so long as they take the time to stop for a moment. It’s beauty is right in front of you.

How does this relate to Autism?

Well, we’ve all heard the comparison between the Autism Spectrum and a rainbow… but in this case, it’s so much more than that.

A rainbow is what is right in front of you, your child. The quirks, the imperfections, the repetitions, the frustrations, difficulties, the precious moments, the wonderful times… everything.

Perhaps that rainbow is hiding a pot of gold but what is it’s true value? Some hugs? Some kisses? Loss of speech? It’s actually so much more than that. It could be the requirements that person needs to have an independent life.

But the gold is nothing more than abilities, skills, experiences…  while valuable to you and I, have no real value to someone that’s never found them. They can be very overwhelming and even destructive when forced on someone that’s never had them before.

Don’t look beyond the rainbow in search of gold. Don’t look beyond the Autism in search of an ability or skill.

Your child is right in front of you and you could miss it while searching for something golden inside them.

The rainbow that is right in front of you has far more value than the gold that you’re trying to find.

What a privilege to be here on the planet to contribute your unique donation to humankind. Each face in the rainbow of colors that populate our world is precious and special.
Morris Dees

The Rainbow

Click for full size

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The imperfect parent

By on June 29, 2011 in Autism

As I go back and read some of my old posts, I begin to realize that I seldom write about the things that go wrong, or that I do wrong or that are just wrong in general… unless it’s a life lesson of some kind that involves my son or Autism.

I started to realize that this is generally true of most blogs since most people write about what they find useful or informative. Little mistakes or things done wrong usually aren’t a topic of choice.

However, this can be a tad misleading as people who read your blog for a year or so might begin to see you as some kind of perfect parent.

Hint: there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

There are some people that we’d like to have for parents, depending on our preferences, but not a single one is ever perfect. Especially in the beginning… and even more so if our children have special needs.

The small mistakes

smarties megaThe other day, Cameron and I were home alone for the day while my wife and other son Tyler were out of town. I decided that Cameron and I should have some fun with games and treats so off to the store we went. He saw some over sized Smarties for sale and really wanted them. Without giving it a second thought, I said yes.

Now, I know full well that M&M’s do not have gluten and Smarties do. I also know full well that we do not give Cameron gluten. But it never even crossed my mind until the next day when my wife said something about it.

Oops.

It didn’t seem to affect him much, but it was still a rather large mistake on my part. I mean, had it of been allergies that could have had serious health risks, would I have had made the same mistake? In my opinion, yes… which is a scary thought.

It’s just far too easy make small mistakes when your mind is elsewhere… like on all the fun you and your son can have.

Some lessons take time

I often write about how Autism has taught me to have far more patience than I thought possible previously, but it wasn’t an instant lesson.

I certainly won’t lie to you about this. You don’t just have a child scream at you and poof, you learn how to have more patience. No, quite the contrary. You lose it at first. You get frustrated, you get mad… you get impatient. Your little one earns time outs when they probably shouldn’t have been time outs, they get early bed times when really they probably shouldn’t have… all too often, I’ve been far more upset with Cameron than I really should have.

Partially it was due to my lack of understanding on exactly what meltdowns were or how they worked. But even still, I knew that he was little, I knew that he didn’t know any better and I knew that it wasn’t his fault. But as a new parent, I did not have the patience to listen to it for long.

I wish I could go back and handle many situations differently.

Practice to the end of infinity and you’ll be perfect

In other words, it’s not possible.

Perfection definitely takes practice but even then, you could practice forever and never really reach it. We all make mistakes and parenting is definitely a learning experience that will give you a lot of practice.

I only gave 2 examples when really I could give you about 500, but who wants to read a blog post that long?

I am far from perfect and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I make more than my fair share of mistakes but I learn from them. That’s why it’s important to have loved ones and friends with you and to keep on learning as much as you can… not necessarily to avoid mistakes but to have them pointed out, explained, shared… and that’s how you truly learn from them.

Don’t read my posts or tweets or Facebook information and think that I’m perfect. I’m definitely not. Instead, just understand that what I’m sharing with you has come after several years of not being perfect.

I don’t know if I’m learning how to be a good parent but I’m definitely learning how to be imperfect!

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The best part about the Autism community is…

By on June 28, 2011 in Autism

One could argue that the Autism community is strong, but really it’s quite divided… one could also say that it’s very passionate but that passion is often what causes the division. One could say that it’s the amount of information that we have available and even make available ourselves but all too often, that information can be misguided, incorrect or down right deceiving.

I think, the one element within the Autism community that is truly what makes it great is the support. No matter the differences, no matter the disagreements… we all find a way to console each other, uplift each other, give advice to each other and even, when necessary, donate to one another.

Recently my wife’s laptop died which forced me to shift a desire into a need… I wanted an iPad for my boys but never made it a priority but when my wife no longer had a means of doing her work (online support), we needed to get her back online. And thus, the iPad became a need. So I made a donation page on my blog which resulted in our getting an iPad just a short month later.

What’s truly great about this is that none of us have much money, we all have therapy, travels, diets and other things that take up a good chunk of our money but when someone within our community needs it, we all find a way to help out with an extra $10 or so. And that is never lost on the person who gets it… it’s never forgotten the sacrifice that it is to those that could have used that money themselves.

For a friend

Living with LoganCaryn is the blogger at Living with Logan and tweets as @ihave7monsters… this name being specifically chosen because she is the mother of 7 children. One of whom, Logan, has Autism.

Since starting her blog and becoming active on Twitter, she’s done quite well for herself in getting a readership but she’s still needing to take it to the next level. For that, she’s hoping to get some help to go to BlogHer, a convention specifically focused on women who blog and helping them to turn it into a business, or to just simply do even better than they already are.

Caryn has started The Momma Project which is her drive to reach $1000 to get to the convention. If you have a little to spare, head on over and click on the Chip In button.

If you don’t, perhaps share the link or spread the word… and in time, when/if you ever need it, Caryn, myself and everyone within the Autism community will “pay it forward” in an effort to help out where we can for you as well.

Support is where you give it

On Twitter, I like to end each day by tweeting something a little positive, with the statement “Support is where you give it” as a reminder that we’re all helping each other. You have to be there with a kind word, some friendly advice or even a dollar or two if you can if you want to help keep the circle of supporting each other alive.

Your little bit of support added with everyone else’s little bit of support makes for a very powerful support system that could one day be there for you when you need it.

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