About Stuart Duncan

My name is Stuart Duncan, creator of http://www.stuartduncan.name. My oldest son (6, Cameron) has Autism while my younger son (4, Tyler) does not. I am a work from home web developer with a background in radio. My wife and I do our very best to stay educated and do what ever is necessary to ensure our children have the tools they need to thrive. I share my stories and experiences in an effort to further grow and strengthen the online Autism community and to promote Autism Understanding and Acceptance.
Author Archive | Stuart Duncan

Why don’t you celebrate New Years Eve?

By on December 29, 2011 in Autism, Autism Holidays

I get this question a lot, because it seems very much out of the ordinary to not be up at midnight, getting drunk and kissing someone at the stroke of midnight. To not do it is… blasphemy!

The answer is really quite simple.

happy new yearI wake up at 5am many mornings, sometimes earlier, sometimes I wake up often through the night. I have 2 children that require a lot of my time and energy even when I work 8 – 10 hours a day. By the time it’s 9pm and my boys are asleep, I’m ready to go to bed myself but I can’t because there is still more work or chores around the house that need doing.

So I get to bed around 11pm and again, sleep 6 hours or less if I’m up often due to the boys… and do it all again. And I do this 356 days a year.

So already the answer is forming…. but there’s more.

My oldest boy, Cameron, has Autism. That means that we can’t just hire any teeny bopper with a need for some cell phone minute money to come in and take care of my children.

In fact, even most responsible adults are not really ready to take on that task. Only those that know him well. And those people tend to have full lives of their own already so are not readily available.

Take a special day like New Years Eve and.. well, those older, responsible, living life people are already doing something on New Years Even that doesn’t involve being stuck in my living room while some kids that are not theirs are sleeping.

So no… we don’t go out and celebrate New Years Eve. In fact, we don’t even stay up until midnight.

Because when you add it all up, when you really stop to think about it… the needs of your children, the happiness you get from their achievements, the importance of you being there for them when they need you… all of what entails being a parent…  Dec 31st becomes just another night.

You’ll still be ready for bed at 9pm that night.  The kids will still wake up early the next day.

Besides, it’s not that I don’t “celebrate” it… it’s just that I don’t do what everyone else thinks I’m supposed to do. I give my wife a hug and kiss. We say “Happy New Year” to each other and to others as well.

It’s just different and believe me, different is one thing that we’ve become quite comfortable with around here.

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No one knows your child better than you do, not even Santa!

By on December 27, 2011 in Autism, Autism Holidays

Usually in the world of Autism, this refers to teachers, therapists and doctors but the truth is, it can apply to anyone… this year, it was even proven to be true of Santa!

nintendo 3dsPeer Pressure

So back in July, Cameron told us that he wanted a Nintendo 3DS, and reminded us of that fact every week for the next several weeks. He even knew which games he wanted.

Then in October, Cameron’s friends at school got him hooked on Bey Blades… a spinning top kind of battle game. He loves them. His requests for the 3DS died down… he still wanted one, but he didn’t talk about it anymore.

Here’s the thing though… what he wanted and what he wanted due to peer pressure (his friends wanting)… are two different things.

Video Games

If you’ve followed my blog, you know that Cameron is a video game boy, through and through. He loves his video games more than anything and they love him too. He’s developed some great motor skills, reflexes, problem solving skills and more.. all due to his video games.

To give you an example, Tyler (his little brother) got the new Sonic Generations video game on December 4th (for his birthday)… so Cameron got to play but played it in much more limited portions than normal. Since it wasn’t his game, he didn’t get much play time at all. Maybe an hour a day, some days no playing at all.

And yet, he finished that game less than 2 weeks later. Less than 14 days and he had beat the boss and won the game. That’s pretty good for anybody, much less a six year old with Autism.

Anyway, back to the 3DS… my wife and I decided to get him the 3DS from us, since it’s what we know he really wants and we left the Bey Blades to Santa… who was very generous. He got 7 of them in total and a stadium to have them battle in!

And the winner is…

Christmas morning came and went, wrapping paper everywhere and more boxes than our recycling bin can handle… and 2 days later, he’s just now starting to open his Bey Blade packages to try them.

What has he been doing all this time? Playing with his Nintendo 3DS!

Truth be told, the only real reason that he even played with his Bey Blades this morning is because we don’t let him play video games in the morning.

Things will change though, once he goes back to school and his friends are playing with their Bey Blades… and he can’t take his video games with him.

But still, the lesson is… no matter what his friends have, no matter what he changes his mind to… we know him better than that.

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A holiday message from an Autism Father

By on December 21, 2011 in Autism

Autism

You are reading this post, which tells me that we have something in common. Autism. Whether you have a child with Autism, you are autistic, you have a loved one with Autism or you’re simply interested in learning more about Autism (I most especially welcome the last group!)… we have that common bond. It makes us a part of a community, a supportive group, fellow advice gurus and even, if we take the chance… friends.

Rather than write an advice piece on ways to make Christmas easier or give tips on what to do and not do to avoid meltdowns (I do have one of those half written but I may just save it for next year), I thought I’d rather write about something else.

You see, whether it’s Christmas that you’re celebrating, some other holiday or the fact that it’ll be a Sunday… one common thing we all do is share with each other. We give of ourselves and share with each other and just be together, grateful for what we have and who we have with us.

And it makes me think… for those of us that have Autism in our lives, in some form or another, we have that… all year round. We don’t even know each other personally (most of us), but we have that.

I’ve learned something new from each and every person, I’ve agreed and disagreed with every single person and over the years, I’ve come to realize something important…

Epiphany

I’ve come to realize that Autism isn’t about being different, it’s about being yourself.

Whether you
have Autism (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngzyhnkT_jY),
you’re homeless (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DXL9vIUbWg),
you have no arms or legs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3LFBqvvW-M)
or if you know that you are dying (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo)
you are awesome (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc).

Rejoice in who you are and those you have with you. Not in how different they are, not in how similar you are… but in who you are… and who they are. They wouldn’t be who they are without you just the same as you being you because you have them in your life. And more so than that, you wish for them to be themselves, the person you like, just the same as it is their wish for you to be yourself, the person that they like.

No person is “normal” any more than they are “different”. We all are what we are and there is no comparison to be made since there is no other you.

So pay no attention to what others think of you for it is none of your business. Nor is it any of their business what you think of them so keep it to yourself, unless it’s a truly wonderful thing to share. While it should not affect how they think of themselves, it can’t hurt to receive a nice compliment.

Be yourself, not different, not the same, not what you think others wish you to be… just be you. And respect those that do the same for themselves. You don’t have to like them, but respect them for being true to themselves because that is all you would ask in return.

Being me

I write what I want to write, I say what I want to say. I choose to advocate for my son and for all of Autism as well. I choose to do my utmost best because it is who I am.

And I appreciate and celebrate each and every person that comments, likes, shares and even just reads… not because of what you think of me, but because you are you.

So what ever it is that you’re celebrating, I wish you well. I wish you happiness. I wish you all the best. Because it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do… so long as you are the best you that you can be and you do your best at what you do.

Thank you.

all I want for Christmas is you

Comments { 4 }

Your hands tell me when you’re happy

By on December 19, 2011 in Autism

Christmas was one week away, the excitement building as we prepared presents for friends and family. We laughed as we changed the words to our favorite Christmas songs, drank Egg Nog and opened the next door to find out what shape the next chocolate was in our advent calendars.

happy handsAs we talk about Santa and what each of us is hoping for, I lean over to my son Cameron and say “Do you know how I always know when you’re happy?”

He said “No, how?”

I replied “Your hands tell me.”

He smiled and said “because I flap my hands!”

At that point, he began bouncing on his toes and flapping his hands so hard that I thought he might fly.

Beside us, sitting up against my hip, was my dog Spirit. She is Cameron’s best friend and, I think, Cameron is her best friend too.

I said to Cameron “Cameron, do you know how I always know when Spirit is happy?”

He said “No.”

I told him “Because her tail tells me.”

Again, the excitement building as he flapped his hands really hard, “She wags her tail!!”

I explained to him that Spirit doesn’t have hands so she wags her tail but I imagine that it’s very much the same feeling. There’s just so much happiness inside that it has to come out.

I told him that I know some people might bug him about it, some people might say silly things or tell him that he shouldn’t… but I’ll never stop him from showing me how happy he is.

He got up and gave me a big hug.

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That could apply to anyone

By on December 15, 2011 in Autism

I can’t even begin to count the number of times that one of my statements or posts were responded to with “actually, that could apply to anyone” or something along those lines.

Some of my favourites:

  • That could apply to all parents
  • That could apply to any child
  • That could apply to any group of people
  • All people should do that
  • Everyone would be better off thinking that way

Why does it bother me so much?

For the first hundred times or so, those responses rather bothered me because this blog isn’t about most people… my twitter account is not about humans in general. I focus on Autism and that’s what I write about.

It also reminds me of all of the times where I’ve tried to explain the ways Autism affects my child where people would respond with “but that’s something a lot of children do” or “ya but that could just be a phase.”

It’s not exactly a closed minded response but in the moment, to a parent with child that has Autism, it can feel like it. You just want to grab them by the collar and say “You’re not listening to me!” Well, ok, maybe not to that extreme but it is frustrating.

For a while, it got on my nerves, making me want to reply to them… explain that the world isn’t my focus, Autism is… but after the first hundred times or so, I started to like hearing it.

dare to be differentIt does apply to anyone!

The truth is that people say that because the things I share really do apply to all parenting, to all children and to all others in general.

Parenting methods, children being children…. almost all of any of the things that we can talk or write about in regards to Autism truly does tend to apply to anyone. We all know that, it’s not the individual “quirks”, it’s the amount of quirks and severity of those quirks which indicate the presence of Autism.

I say “quirks” because when it’s not Autism, that’s what they are.. quirks. Right? A stimming behavior without the communication impairment, social issues or other symptoms is simply a quirk.

So when I write about routines, methods to improve behavior, general observations about how people are, parents are, autistics are… the truth is, 99 times out of 100, those things could apply to everyone.

And that’s a good thing… because autistics are everyone. “Different, not less” is right but at the same time, everyone is different. And if everyone is different, then we’re all the same too. Our differences don’t divide us… they unite us.

So yes, it still bugs me still… in a way, because I didn’t call my website “EVERYONE from a father’s point of view”… so I’m not going to write about everyone. But at the same time, in a way, it brings me comfort that the things I say about Autism and autistics really could apply to everyone.

Every time someone says that, I’m reminded once again that maybe autistics aren’t quite so different after all.

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