Hate me, for I am but a lowly autism parent!

Oh, the ‘anti-parent’ movement grows. It grows!!! There is a small band of self righteous, holier than thou haters out there that insist on finding faults in us all. If they can’t find faults, they’ll just compare you to someone that they did find faults in because we’re both parents so, hey, if the shoe fits…

Fine, fine I say! Bring it on. Hate me if you must. Not only do I not care (after all, what you think of me is none of my business) but I sat here pondering… if they must go to such lengths, the least I could do is make it easier for them.

So here is my list of reasons that you should hate me, for I am but a lowly autism parent.

  • I try to change my child ever single day. Both of them!! That’s right. Autism, no autism… I don’t care. I change them. And I like it.  One of them is mean to their brother? Damn right I stop it. Both of them fighting over nothing? Time outs all around!! Not saying please and thank you today? Best believe they’ll be changed children come tomorrow. Don’t know how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism? Time to pick up a book kids, you’ll study till you’re changed and you’ll like it! Judging some other kid because they’re different from you? That changes… NOW. Yeah, I want to change my kids. Not because I don’t love them the way they are but because I do.
  • Drugs and therapy for all!! What? You’re not suppose to use meds on your kids? I guess that fever should just run out of control until it’s hospital time then huh? Oh, that infection? Who needs anti-biotics??? Super hyper? Unable to sleep? Super depressed?? As strange as I am but any time I have to choose between a doctor recommended prescription or a child that is unable to do anything due to what that prescription could help… I choose the prescription. Oh, therapy too. One child didn’t talk until he was older than 3, so I paid $150/h that I didn’t have to get him speech therapy, cause I’m an evil parent like that. Now his vocabulary is right on track and he reads books that are 2 grades higher than his age level… you should hate that. He’s doing so much better than he would have if I just accepted him for who he was and let him be. Hate me!!
  • ABA is so cool!! My son went and played with other kids and was encouraged to be kind, courteous and even engage other children in conversation. He even started conversations!! From there we went out for lunch and he met more children. You should hate me for that because hey… ABA right?
  • The things I say… oh man, they’re great things and come from the heart but the way that some people can magically turn them into the most vile, attrocious non-sense with a single wave of their “what I hear when you say” wand… and man, I even hate myself! I can’t believe “I love you” could mean so many terrible things. But you manage to twist it up enough and I disgust even myself.
  • I struggle. You should definitely just toss me in the pit for that one. I mean, no sleep, huge debt, emotional strain, lost marriage, hours and hours of meetings, appointments… you know, years and years and years of giving 110% for my children, with and without autism… you should definitely just kick me in the head now for how much you hate me because this is about my child, right? It’s all about what he feels so I am not allowed to feel anything. None of any of what I go through is even really happening. It’s just pixie dust in the wind that I make up and pretend makes me tired so that I can say that it can be hard on me sometimes too. I hate me for even being tired. I mean, come on… 4 hours sleep, 3 meltdowns, hours at the IEP meetings, therapy and grocery shopping for gluten free food I can’t afford… that’s just today! I shouldn’t be tired at all. Stop pretending it’s real dammit. See, even I hate me.
  • My child is happy. Yup, I said it. He has friends and is doing well… not abused in the slightest, not alienated or singled out… not at all the autism life that you anti-parent hater types seem to profess that a life of autism is supposed to be. I don’t fit into the mold. I don’t have a say. I’m a pox on the community. I made sacrifices and worked my tail off and did absolutely everything I could and more and now my child is happy… I’m a terrible parent. You should hate me. I’m sure it goes against everything you believe a parent should be or that an autistic child should be with their parent… happy. Sheesh!
  • I don’t hate everyone else. That’s a big one. You should hate me for that. Those other parents that want a cure for their kids? I don’t hate them. Those other autistics that want themselves to be cured? I don’t hate them either!! Those people that struggle for acceptance, for understanding, for awareness, for finances, for an IEP that works, for a few more hours sleep, for more education, for more understanding law makers and enforcers… for… well, for it all really… I don’t hate a single one of them. For that you should definitely hate me. It’s almost like I’m on their side. On everyone’s side! It’s almost like… I care.
  • I’m not every other parent. Another big reason to hate me. Yeah, I know that some parents do over medicate and some take drastic actions when things get too hard and some people really are just lousy stinking parents. You should hate me for not being them. I mean, I’m a parent, just like they are, but aside from that, we have practically nothing in common at all. And you hate them right? You should totally hate me too because if you hate them, and I’m nothing like them at all, that’s more than enough reason to hate me too.

Oh anti-parent squad, if you didn’t hurt so many people, you’d make me laugh. But you do hurt folks. Good folks who are good parents. And you hate them before you know them.

And there’s nothing funny about it.

I don’t hate you, but I do wish you would just stop.

In the mean time, you should hate me. Because I’m a parent and I have a child with autism. And the one thing that having a child with autism and you haters hating me will have always in common is… I’ll enjoy every second of it.

Tyler and Cameron

Tyler and Cameron

About Stuart Duncan

My name is Stuart Duncan, creator of http://www.stuartduncan.name. My oldest son (Cameron) has Autism while my younger son (Tyler) does not. I am a work from home web developer with a background in radio. I do my very best to stay educated and do what ever is necessary to ensure my children have the tools they need to thrive. I share my stories and experiences in an effort to further grow and strengthen the online Autism community and to promote Autism Understanding and Acceptance.

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26 Responses to Hate me, for I am but a lowly autism parent!

  1. blogginglily February 10, 2014 at 1:44 pm #

    I like it.

    But I hate you, obviously.

  2. HighFunctioningMomism February 10, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

    Loved the post, although I’m not quite sure who you are talking to… is it the other autism parents who lambaste anyone who talks about the real side of autism? Or is the the NT parents for just not “getting it?” Either way, fine by me! I mean, I get it. It’s like when your kid gets diagnosed with autism, you have to pick up a cross and start fighting… the schools, other parents, Autism Speaks… just fill in the blank. I feel like we all have someone we feel is against us. Just know that it’s not me!

    • Stuart Duncan February 10, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

      No one in particular. Well, ok, maybe a few people in particular. But it applies to so many more :)

    • Vickie March 17, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

      ” is it the other autism parents who lambaste anyone who talks about the real side of autism?”
      YAY!

  3. jillsmo February 10, 2014 at 2:08 pm #

    You forgot about the part where you’re up to your elbows in the blood of disabled children everywhere.

    • Stuart Duncan February 10, 2014 at 2:37 pm #

      Isn’t everyone?

      • mostlytruestuff February 10, 2014 at 11:43 pm #

        Pft. I’m drowning in the blood of my disabled children.

        I one upped you. So hard.

  4. The Domestic Goddess February 10, 2014 at 3:39 pm #

    I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again. We need to work together. Never in my 42 years have I ever experienced anything so polarizing.

  5. Marlowe February 10, 2014 at 3:45 pm #

    From one awful controlling parent to another…Kudos!

    • Stuart Duncan February 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm #

      We, the hated, shall be hated together or not at all!!

  6. Jo Ashline February 10, 2014 at 4:03 pm #

    Hating you so much right now!!! I hate myself even more though, for being so much like you! I LOATHE US!

  7. Patty February 10, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

    This is the sounds of the standing ovation I am giving you…….

    • Stuart Duncan February 10, 2014 at 4:18 pm #

      That applaud had better be filled with hate ridden clapping.

      • Pia February 10, 2014 at 8:04 pm #

        I’d bet it is that slow, deprecating clap… you know, hugely sarcastic and condescending. THAT is a hater-filled hate clap.

  8. Bliss February 10, 2014 at 6:22 pm #

    Thank you for so eloquently explaining my self-loathing! If I only I could hate myself more…I might finally become the perfect autism parent!

  9. Jimjackcoke February 10, 2014 at 10:03 pm #

    Stuart, you are awesome !

  10. mostlytruestuff February 10, 2014 at 11:45 pm #

    I wish I could hate you more than I do now. I’m sharpening the pitchforks and posting this to my page so everyone else can hate Stuart. Because he’s shady. So shady.

  11. Jennifer February 11, 2014 at 8:50 am #

    Whatever the mess, autism parents need to stick together, not polarize one another. I have been dahmed by one parent as being “bad” simply because my household can’t do a certain diet. I got dahmed by another all because I don’t work. Hello! I can’t work because my son needs therapy four days a week. Also on another website, I notice a lot of parents of high-functioning fighting with parents of severe. Shouldn’t we work together, because autism is complicated no matter what type is manifesting?

  12. LisaMaree Domican February 11, 2014 at 9:16 am #

    I hate you because you left out how we should get state subsidies for chocolate, REAL coffee and wine. Is it because you hate them? Or you hate me for being prepared to sell my children for a tube of Nespresso pods (made with real orangutan tears) or maybe you hate Orangutans?

  13. Jo February 23, 2014 at 6:43 pm #

    Love this post! I’m hated as a autism parent too. Amazed on how many people avoid me. Amazed on how many people try to tell me how to parent my kids!!!!!!

  14. Kate March 17, 2014 at 6:33 pm #

    Thanks for this

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  1. Your brand of acceptance is hurting us | Autism from a Father's Point of View - February 13, 2014

    […] of what I want to say on bullying, hate and the autism community. Parts 1 and 2 can be found here: Hate me, for I am but a lowly autism parent! Adults are bullied too. Don’t let it happen to […]

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