Tag Archives | future

Autism, Fathers, The Future and Denial

By on February 16, 2013 in Autism
Is this what a father sees?

Is this what a father sees?

Far too many moms have asked me why their husbands might be in denial or worse yet, cold and distant to their child. Once they got the autism diagnosis, everything changed.

Many fathers struggle with it. It’s not just fathers though but mostly fathers it seems. And I think there are many reasons, denial being the most obvious but I think it’s more than that.

For most moms, when a child is born, they envision a bright and beautiful future for that child but it’s pretty abstract. Go anywhere, do anything.

For most fathers though, it’s usually much more specific. Like doing things with their child that they had done with their own fathers, or teaching the child how to do things that they love to do or having their child follow in their footsteps or even more so, to exceed those footsteps and be a much better person than they were.

And with an autism diagnosis, all of that is destroyed and it feels like it has been ripped away from you.

For moms, because their vision is so abstract, it doesn’t feel so devastating to lose. For many, it never even feels lost, just… it’s going to be different.

But many dads have a very hard time coping with that. Not many people like having their dreams ripped away from them and even less so to have their dreams for their children taken.

That can make a man distant and even seem cold. They sort of give up.

I’m not saying this is true for every father. As I said, there’s a lot that goes on in a person’s head when their child is diagnosed with autism or anything really.

But, if this is the case, or even just denial, then it may just take time to accept that, even though his dreams may be gone (they may still not be actually, who knows?), there’s still room and time for new dreams. A child is a child and even if the future seems less certain now, it still filled with unlimited potential.

If it’s your husband or anyone else you know that seems to be struggling with this feeling, all I can suggest is time, patience and perhaps a gentle reminder:

There’s still so much life left to live where anything can happen.

It would be a shame to miss what will happen because you’re too busy focused on what won’t happen.

Comments { 0 }

The life I once had

By on June 26, 2012 in Autism

It’s not something I talk about very much. It’s really quite boring. But even more than that, it’s really quite depressing. It’s negative. It’s not the me that most of you have come to know now, that is if you have been reading the things I write before this one. If this is the first of mine that you read, I am sorry. But please do stick it out because there is a point to my telling you this.

loneliness10 years ago

When I was 26, I lived in one of, if not the, most beautiful city on Earth, Vancouver BC. I really loved it there. I had an apartment on Beach Ave, over looking the ocean. My living room wall was glass from top to ceiling. Just me, my computer and the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen.

And I was miserable.

I didn’t know it back then but I have Asperger’s. Back then, I was just… me. Miserable, depressed and lonely. Which is funny to think about because I did have friends and family that lived close by. But I was so very lonely. I would work at my computer, making websites for people. I made my own hours, I made my own money. I had no boss. I had no place to be.

My schedule would shift because every single day I’d go to bed one or two hours later than I had the day before. I say day, not night, because when you continue this process for several years, you go from staying up all day to staying up all night and back again.

I had accomplished my goals. I worked for myself. I could afford a great apartment. I did as I pleased.

I wanted to kill myself.

My darkest day

It never really occurred to me just what it was I was telling her or how much it must have been hurting her or just how stupid it was of me to be saying it but, without a doubt, the worst it had ever gotten was when I told my mother, while bawling my eyes out, that I was so very sorry because she would never get to be a grandmother.

Me, being her only child, feeling completely defeated and worthless in life, had fully accepted that no one would ever love me and that I most certainly would never get to a point in life where I would ever have a family.

I couldn’t be the person that people wanted me to be. I felt a total fraud every time I walked out the door. I told witty stories, quick one liners and would often be the “life of the party” with those that knew me but it was never right. It was never me.

I loved who I was and what I had accomplished but hated myself all the same.

I even sought out help in the form of a psychiatrist but it proved to be pointless. I don’t know if it’s because of my Asperger’s or just watching far too many drama movies and television shows but it was as if I could see each line he said before he said it. I knew the points he would be trying to make, I knew the directions he would try to take. And each and every time I would dismiss and ignore. It never pertained to me. It never pertained to my problem. It was always stuff that made sense for other people but not for me.

And so I resigned myself to a life of solitude. I told my mother that our family line would end with me. Her disappointment.

What a thing to tell a mother.

10 years later

So here I am now, 36 years old and feeling like my past was only a moment ago and a whole other life time ago at the same time.

Today I have a wife, two little boys, a dog and a cat. I have no money, no free time and a very strict schedule. I live in a crappy apartment with no view to anything in a town that I don’t want to be in.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

So what happened? Well, to be honest, it’s not really the details that matter. What matters is that I was there for them to happen.

My wife, as it turned out, was one of my oldest friends. I had known her for a very long time. One day, at the right moment, in the right place, something happened. And here we are.

Thing is, if I had had my way, at that time, I’d have still been at my computer, in my Beach Ave apartment, being miserable. That moment would have never happened.

A moment in time was all it took. I didn’t know when or where, I was most certainly convinced it would never exist, but it did. And now my life is not just different from what it was, it’s nearly the opposite.

I have no friends now and my family is hundreds of miles away but I never feel lonely. My wife and kids, they were what I was missing. They have filled that hole in my heart.

I have no money or time anymore but at the same time, my kids always have food, the latest games and toys, clothing on their backs. You can have all the time and money in the world but they have no value at all unless you have a purpose for them.

Your future you is waiting for you

It sounds corny and I’m not making you a guarantee but if you believe it and if you work for it and you make the effort to simply be there, that moment can happen to anyone.

Many autistics fear their own future. Will it be more of the same? Bullying in school? Bouncing around jobs if there are any jobs? Feelings of anxiety and loneliness?

Parents also have these fears for their children. Especially if their children are non-verbal or particularly challenged, such as having other associated conditions like blindness or epilepsy.

I am not trying to throw positivity down your throat. I’m not Anthony Robbins. But I can tell you how I see things based on my own experiences.

If I had stayed at home, if I had moped for one more minute, if I had simply believed myself worthless at that one key moment instead of… what ever it is that I felt… I would probably still be on my own. If was I still alive at all by now.

I didn’t know it then but autism was confining me to that computer chair. It was making each outing a torturous affair. It made me disregard or even dislike the friendships I had even though I loved my friends. It made me hate myself.

At the time, I thought I was just a loser. Just the oddball out that was meant to be alone. A person that was meant to be miserable.

But I did go out. I did keep that friendship going after so many years, even though that was largely due to her, insisting on keeping in contact even when I would “forget” to reach out.

I look back now wishing I could travel in time so that I could tell myself just one thing; “Endure this. It’s going to really suck and you’re going to really hate it but endure it. Because no matter how impossible it seems, like it could never happen to you… it can. I am your future and your future is waiting for you.”

To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have listened, not even to myself. That’s how miserable I was. But that kind of hope can make all the difference.

That kind of hope is what is missing for a lot of young people today. Especially those with autism who feel like there is just no place for them in this world.

To those waiting for their moment

My son has two advantages, the way I see it. One is that he knows he has autism so he’ll know the reason for feeling how he feels. Perhaps he’ll even know the coping mechanisms to not let it get in his way. It won’t just be a random feeling of despair and loneliness. Second, he has me. And I’ll always be there to tell him that his future self is waiting for him. That he can and will be happy if he endures long enough.

But I’m not a time traveler nor am I a fortune teller. So I can’t make any promises on what the future will hold. I can only tell you what I have experienced and what I believe.

What I believe is that there is nothing that can ruin your life unless you let it. Not autism nor anything else. Granted, it can make it one hell of a whopping huge challenge but nothing can stop you from loving life and being happy.

You could argue that I was lucky, to have had that one moment that turned things around for me but that’s kind of the point I’m trying to make.

I told you that I felt lonely even amongst my friends. I told you that each outing was torturous. But I still went out. I still had friends. I still left my little ocean side apartment because if I didn’t… there never would have been a moment. I would not be here, right now, believing what I believe and sharing it with you.

Even though it was that one moment that I can pin point, looking back, that changed everything… it wasn’t in that instant that I suddenly switched from miserable to happy.

It was that moment that things turned around but it took time. A lot of time.

My point is, it wasn’t just luck. I wasn’t lucky. I was anything but lucky at that point in my life. But I was there.

You need to be there too. When every part of you tells you not to be, when every part of you tells you it won’t happen… be there anyway.

If you feel like an outsider, if you feel completely alone, if you have autism too… you know just how hard that really is.

But your future self is counting on you. Your future self is waiting for you.

Be there.

Comments { 12 }

AutismFather to “I Wish I Didn’t Have Aspergers” – An AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog Event

By on April 30, 2012 in Autism

autism positivity flash blogDo you really wish that you didn’t have Aspergers? Do you really think that your life would be better or easier?

There’s a lot of advice that I’m supposed to give. Most of it can be found here: Autism Positivity Day Flash Blog

While they all do have some great advice, and I do recommend reading them all, my advice is a little different.

You have something that most people do not

The sad truth is that life is hard for everyone. Even kids that have billionaire parents find life to be pretty hard from time to time. Just for different reasons.

The thing is that most people don’t know why their life is so hard, it just is. They feel that the universe or fate itself is against them.

Think about it. You have an advantage. You know exactly what it is that’s making life hard. It’s not fate, it’s not the universe… it’s Aspergers.

The thing is, knowing what you’re up against gives you the power to change it.

See, I didn’t know about autism or Aspergers until my son was diagnosed with autism just 4 years ago. Even worse is, I didn’t know that I had Aspergers myself until just recently.

That’s the thing… I too felt like the universe was against me. I had no friends, felt alone all the time… life was not just hard, it felt far more difficult for me than for most others.

But I didn’t know then, that I had Aspergers. I didn’t know then, that there was something very specific that was holding me back.

genius vs workThe real problem: Focus + Time

Pretty much everyone in this world is capable of greatness if they focus all of their time and energy into something that they are passionate about, that they really love. And that’s because they get to be really really good at it.

It just so happens that this is especially true of people with Aspergers because one of the defining characteristics of Aspergers is the ability to focus, almost obsess, over certain areas of interest.

What I find is that I sit, wondering why my life is so hard. Or, I wish that my life made more sense. Or I wish that I could just have fun at parties like everyone else. Or I wish….  well, sometimes I just sit and stare at the wall actually.

The point is, time is not on our side if we’re not actually using it properly.

The biggest problem is when we realize that we’re adults now, stuck in a dead end job, and that all of that time that we spent wondering or wishing could have been put into reading, learning, practicing, experimenting and just doing… the things we love!

This is true for most people, by the way, it’s just especially true for people with Aspergers. Because we’re especially bad at time management (judging the passage of time) and we’re also especially bad at handling guilt, anxiety and all the wonderful feelings that come with being alone and/or unable to handle social situations.

And so we dwell. And time passes us by.

Until we wonder why we’re not good at anything. Why we’re alone. Why life is hard.

And we think… if only we had used all of that time, staring at the wall, to actually get better at something.

Fight fire with fire

You have Aspergers. You wish you didn’t. I get that. All of my life, I wished the universe wasn’t trying to keep me down.

Sadly, I never had much of a chance against the universe. But it turns out that the universe wasn’t my problem.

I really wish I had known that I had Aspergers because I could have stood a chance against Aspergers.

Here’s why….  focus + time. Don’t let them both pass you by. Don’t try to fight it.

No, you might not be super smart, or have a photographic memory or the ability to play music just from hearing it one time… but you do have a gift.

And just like the mind readers in comic books, that need to learn how to use their gifts so that it can go from feeling like a curse to feeling like a super power… you are going to have to learn it as well.

And it will take time. And it will take hard work.

But that’s the thing. It’s within your control. Not the universe. Not fate. And certainly not Aspergers.

It’s yours to own.

Don’t wait 20 years to look back and think of what you could have accomplished with all of that wasted time.

Look ahead 20 years and imagine all of the things you can accomplish… if you focus.

Obsess over something and do it.

Don’t waste time now and you’ll have no regrets later.

Comments { 1 }

Overcoming Self Doubt as an Autism Parent

By on April 13, 2012 in Autism

The hardest part, I think, to being an autism parent is the doubt. Not just in general but the self doubt in particular.

am i good enoughWe ask ourselves

It doesn’t really matter where your child is on the spectrum, we all ask ourselves the same questions.

Am I doing the right thing?
Am I strong enough?
Am I smart enough?
Could I find a way to make more money?
Could I fight harder/smarter to get the services my child needs?
Am I listening to the right people?
Will what I’m doing now, be enough?
Am I making the right choices?

To be fair, these are questions that pretty much all parents ask themselves but it’s just so much more so when your child has autism (or any special needs).

Personally

I’m not supposed to write this… I’m supposed to keep up the illusion of competence. Some people believe that I’m a wonderful father and I have all the answers…

People visit blogs like this for that. They like to be able to relate to the struggles to… but mostly, they look for the positivity. Especially from me. Because it’s what I usually do.

My wife often bugs me about being “the great autismfather” on the internet because I get some great feedback from readers and on social networks but the honest truth is… I have doubts. In the future. In what I’m capable of. In myself.

I know my son is going to turn out great.. because he has greatness in him already. But still, I worry. There is a lot of time between now and when he’s on his own. There is a lot that is going to happen.

It doesn’t matter if someone out there thinks I have all the answers. I don’t.
It doesn’t matter if someone out there thinks that I’m a role model. I’m not.

Right now,  I’m not making much money. I’m not sure what to do about certain behaviors that we just can’t seem to get our son out of. We have sports and other events coming up in the summer that we can’t afford, we’re not sure we could take time away from work for or that our son would even be ready for socially or physically.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a pity post. So please don’t leave comments telling me to keep my head up, or to offer me advice on how to get through it…

I’m sharing this to prove a point. Even if you think someone is a great parent, even if you think they’re a perfect parent… no matter how confident or smart or wise or positive they may seem sometimes… you will still find self doubt. That person will still be asking themselves the exact same questions you may be asking yourself.

When it gets to be too much

The point is, it’s ok. It’s perfectly natural to ask those questions and to doubt yourself. Everyone does it. Some do it more than others but everyone does it.

The problem is when it takes over and moves into the realm of depression. Because then, your self doubt starts to become a self fulfilling prophecy. You will fail where you wouldn’t have otherwise.

For me, and I’ve seen it in others too, when I start to hate myself too much for not being able to do enough… I have a hard time finding the will to do anything. So I don’t. And then I hate myself for that too. And it spirals.

I guess the trick is not to dwell on it. If the self doubt is going to be there, no matter what, then don’t dwell on it. Because when you do, when it’s all you think about, it consumes you.

Either you wake up the next day, shake it off and tackle what ever that day has to offer…. or you don’t.

That’s when your strength, smarts, income, abilities and everything else won’t be what holds you back, it’ll be your self doubt.

Focus on the positives

They say to think happy thoughts and just be proud of yourself for who you are and what you’ve accomplished. I’m not a self help guru so I can’t really put it more eloquently than that. Nor am I very good at dealing with my own self doubt most of the time which definitely makes me one of the least qualified people to guide you through it.

But I will say this… my children are happy. They’re fed. They are wearing clothing.  They are out of the rain. They love me and they are loved too.

I’m not sure how long that will last, because I have self doubt. It’s in my nature to think that I’m not good enough going forward. I’m a parent. An autism parent.

But for what it’s worth… right now… I’ve done better than I thought I would. So maybe I’ll do better in the future than I think I will too.

And I bet, if you have self doubts, you too will find that if you look around and take stock of all that is in your life right now… you’ll find that you haven’t done half bad either.

It’s ok to have self doubts. But it’s also ok to slow down once in a while, keep an open and objective mind and appreciate what you have.

You’ve earned it. You got you there.

Comments { 6 }

My child’s future with Autism, my goals

By on October 25, 2011 in Autism

I can’t set goals for my son, I can only set goals for myself in hopes of making his future a little better. People say the best way to achieve your goals is to write them down. It makes you accountable for them and reminds you of them later.

Anyway, I’ve been blogging for a little while and even had the opportunity to work with a few charities/groups on some things… so it got me to thinking about what I am going to do.

I don’t mean in the vague… “promise to always be there for him” sort of way but in the “what specifically can I do to improve his life by doing things within/for the Autism community” kind of way.

goalsSo here are my personal goals for the future, as they pertain to the world of Autism.

  1. Develop a web/mobile app that will change the Autism Community
    This is something I’ve already envisioned and outlined. I do not have the resources but do have the plan. This, if/when completed, has the potential to benefit each community as well as the global community in incredible ways.
  2. Write a book
    I have begun work on writing an Autism book, one that takes a very different approach from most other books. It’s something I’m very passionate about in that, completing it, may help to raise people’s understanding, not just awareness. This will help in my son’s future in that, the more people that understand between now and then, the better.
  3. Ensure my son is not ignored
    Now, I don’t know how exactly this is to be accomplished… through many smaller goals, I suspect… but should my son desire to speak up about Autism later in his life, in any way he should choose to do so… it is my mission now to make sure that he is not ignored when he does.
  4. Make this my source of income
    This one may sound a bit selfish, but it’s not. I don’t necessarily wish to make money from helping people or “doing good”, however, having to maintain a day job in order to have an income greatly limits my time, resources and ability to achieve all of the things that I would like to achieve. If it was my source of income, I could devote all of my time to doing it. So no, I don’t wish to become rich by any means.. in fact, I could make the same as I am making now, I don’t care. I just need to find a way to work harder, read more, write more, be more involved and the only way I can do that is if doing it replaced my day job.

It’s not a very big list, my skills and resources… as well as my ideas are limited. Having a family of 4 and a day job will do that. None-the-less, the few goals that I do have there are rather hefty.

And now that I’ve shared them with you… I have to do them!

So I will.

Comments { 4 }