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Second annual plea to the Minecraft community to take a stand against bullying on April 2nd

Last year I wrote a plea to the Minecraft community to help those of us in the autism community on April 2nd to take a stand against bullying. I am doing it again this year. Why? Because we still need your help.

The response last year was incredible as many live stream gamers and YouTube video makers spoke up and shared their personal stories and explained to people the effects that bullying has had in their lives. Since then, the media has picked up on what has been going on as well and increased awareness to more than just our little community.

But we’re not done. Every single day on Autcraft (Minecraft community for those with autism and their families) we talk to children that are being bullied at school, bullied on other Minecraft servers and in some cases, they’re even bullied by their own parents that fail to accept that they have autism and the struggles that come with it.

words hurtSome children miss days or even weeks of playing on the server due to the emotional stress and even sometimes due to the physical pain they suffer as a direct result from bullies. Some children come to my server angry having just been on another server where they were tormented and ridiculed… called “retard” and told that they should never have been born or worse, that they should kill themself.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it. – http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html

It breaks my heart every single time a child asks me for advice and though we talk for hours and they feel better by the end, the truth is, I have no real advice to give. I can’t make the bullying stop. I can’t make that pain go away for them. I know that no matter how I can make them feel in that moment that the next day they will just find themselves being bullied once again.

Almost all children encounter some form of bullying at some point, which in itself is a terrible thing to consider but what’s worse is that those with autism are far more likely to be bullied than anyone else. Not only are they more likely but the amount and type of bullying is often far worse as they are made to feel like they are a burden on society and even their own parents. They’re made to feel like they’re worse than worthless, that they’re a weight on the human condition and are bringing down the world just by existing. They are encouraged to commit suicide. They’re only kids.

Just yesterday, I heard that a 10-year-old in our community took his own life. I sat down and had a long talk with my girls. [My child], who plays on your site and has Asperger syndrome, was bullied so badly by a boy that the boy was given a cease and desist order not to go near her. Something has to change.

– From the mother of a child on Autcraft

Why are those with autism more likely to be targeted or treated this way? Well, because people with autism are inherently different from most people. They struggle to socialize and communicate in the way most people would and are often more prone to extreme emotional outbursts. The truth is, you know as well as I do that all it takes is a tiny spark of being different to make you a target for bullying.

Despite those differences, despite what people and more specifically, those bullies, may think, I see autistics in a very different way. Ever since starting my server, I’ve watched a community grow around a foundation of support, friendship, sharing and compassion. These kids are there for each other, they’re excited to see each other, they support each other in what ever their ambitions are and they work hard and play together better than any community I’ve ever seen before.

If I could open the doors to the world and let people see what I see, I think many people would be very surprised. It’s not at all what most would expect from kids that they think are anti-social, non-communicative introverts. That’s not them at all.

But once they leave my server and visit another server or go back to school or head to the playground… they’re not protected by that strong supportive community anymore and I’m the one that they come back too. Myself and my team on Autcraft, we’re the ones that these kids come too and unload all of their hurt and pain and suffering on. We’re the ones that hear all of the stories that the rest of the world doesn’t… but probably really should.

There is no reason that a child should be limited to just one Minecraft server to play on because of bullies. Children with autism, all children for that matter, should be free to play on the servers that they wish to play on without fear of being told to kill themselves, or to be tormented by griefers, thieves and constant PVP deaths making the game unplayable for them.

The Minecraft community is better than that. I know it is. But only when we speak up and don’t allow those few bad people to do these things. We must speak up. We must make them stop.

These kids can’t suffer in silence anymore. We can’t be afraid to share our stories and to take a stand against this.

Bullying isn’t bullying, it’s abuse, it’s torture, it’s assault. We need to stop pretending it’s not.

Children are dying. Good children, beautiful children.

So please, I’m begging you on behalf of my server and on behalf of the autism community… please take a stand against bullying on April 2nd, Autism Awareness Day.

If you stream live video, if you make YouTube videos, if you just happen to be on a Minecraft server chatting with others, if you blog or vlog… what ever it is you do, on April 2nd, please help me and help us to prevent this abuse and to save real lives.

I can’t do it. But maybe we can do it together if we work together.

From one Minecraft player to another, please help me.

– AutismFather

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The question I asked my son every day of his life until I needed him to ask it of me

What do you do when you fall downRecently life has been, we shall say, unkind. People who would steal from me, people that would try to hurt me, stresses greater than any I’ve felt before, illness and immense pressure. I find myself in the greatest financial burden that I’ve ever been in all the while outside forces conspire to make it even worse for me.

To say it’s been rough would be the greatest of understatements.

Late one night, unable to sleep, I found myself reading back through some of my old writings when I happened upon a question. A question that I used to ask my son every single day of his life. I remembered how he would sometimes answer in a frustrated tone, as if this was starting to become an annoyance for him. But I continued to ask him. It was important. I needed this question to be a part of his very core. Always.

I had forgotten about it. How did I forget? When did I stop asking? How did this happen? How long has it been since I asked him? I don’t know.

“What do you do when you fall down?” He’d answer “You get back up.”

I found this in my writings because one time, just once, his answer was different. He said “You get back up. You never give up.” I wrote about that. It was the first time that he included that second part, to show me that he really got it. He knew that I didn’t mean to literally fall down. He knew the wider scope. He knew.

But I stopped. I forgot. I didn’t even notice.

At the time I thought that I was repeating this very frustrating, annoyance of a reminder through out his life because I thought he needed that constant reminder. I thought that one day he might forget and that I’d be the one to be there to remind him. I thought that if I said it often enough, he wouldn’t even need a reminder.

But I stopped. I forgot.

I realize now that I wasn’t just telling him to remind him. I was the one that needed reminding. And I stopped. I forgot.

What do you do when you fall down?

You get back up.

Thanks for reminding me son.

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What It Feels Like to Be a Special Needs Dad

I recently read an article titled “What It Feels Like to Be a Special Needs Mom” and I quite enjoyed it. It also dawned on me, there will probably never be an article titled “What It Feels Like to Be a Special Needs Dad” and the reason for this is quite simple, there’s no one to write one.

As the parent of a newly diagnosed child that has special needs, you quickly come to realize that those needs are essentially you. They need you first and foremost. That generally means that mom becomes a stay at home mom and dad has to work longer and harder than ever. Gone are the dreams of date nights with a babysitter at home because you can’t just pick a random kid in your neighbourhood to watch your child and even if you did go out, you’d never be able to stop thinking and worrying about your child. Both mom and dad lose sleep and find themselves with libraries full of information to have to learn. The bills not only stay the same despite dropping from 2 incomes to 1 but the bills actually go up substantially as diets, therapists, frequent trips to hospitals and doctors, special medications, equipment and more are required… all of the time. So as a dad, you now find yourself working multiple jobs or longer hours or even having to find a whole new line of work to make the income as close to the expenses as possible. Guess what you do when you get home? Play with your child? Rub your wife’s sore feet? No, most likely you go right to sleep and wake up to do it all again tomorrow.

While you’re at work, mom is off to those therapy sessions and doctors appointments and soaking in more information than she ever did in years of college and at some point, she’ll have to teach it all to you. You will have to face the fact, more and more and more that you are missing those sessions, those appointments and everything else in their lives. You’re missing it all because if you don’t, there won’t be any therapy sessions or doctors appointments. You’re becoming more and more disconnected from the very family that you are supporting. You imagine there has to be a better way, a more suitable balance but then the next big expense comes in and that thought is gone. Meanwhile mom is going crazy from all the appointments and only wishes that someone else (you) could do one or two of them once in a while.

With mom learning so much and being home, those very rare moments of free time become reaching out points where they find other special needs moms on the internet all seeking the same thing… advice, feedback and mostly, someone that they can relate to. They share pictures of dirty houses and don’t feel so bad about how their own house looks, they share recipes and money saving ideas and for a little while, they feel a connection again. At some point, many moms start to become that source of advice and relation and start blogging, writing articles and maybe even public speaking. So what happens when a dad wants to do the same? Well, as we’ve established, there’s almost no time for such a thing. Dads struggle to maintain a connection with their own family much less other people online. Also, if most dads can’t find the time or energy, who are they going to connect with? Other dads that have no time or energy? There’s likely not going to be very many. Yes, there are some and the numbers are growing, which is great, but it’s still a very small number. Dads could really use people to relate with as well and those that could give them some advice but finding them is near impossible and even more so if you never have the time to sit at the computer in the first place.

If and when you do take a dip into the Internet pool, you’ll find a lot of stigma and stereotypes that may just make you want to get back out as quickly as can. First, most of the moms you find will be talking about how their deadbeat husbands are either in total denial and do nothing to help, they’ve straight up left and abandoned their family or… again, beating a dead horse here, has simply lost connection with their family and here’s mom on the Internet writing about how little they see him or how little he does around the house. Worse than that, and this applies to all dads so just consider this as an extra pack of weights to put on your shoulders, there’s still this “oh so funny” theme of equating dads to being just grown up children that mom has to take care of too. There’s this constant running joke about how immature men are and how wives have to take care of them just like they do their kids. This is extremely hurtful and insulting and even more so, sends a terrible message to your own children about how they should think or respect their father. As the dad a special needs child that is at the breaking point pretty much every single day for years and years, it’s tough to go online in search of those that can relate to you only to be hit smack in the face about what a child you are.

One thing all of that will do though, and you’ll feel even if you don’t read all of that, is that you’ll always want to do more but lack the time and energy to do it. Nothing will weigh you down more than the feeling of not being able to do more. More money, more play time, more family time, more visits to the therapists with mom, more making dinners so that mom doesn’t have to, more of just… family. And on those rare days when you can, like a holiday or vacation time or something where you think “finally, family time!”, that’s when the basement will spring a leak or the car will break down or the fridge will die because even though you’ve never done anything but your very best, somehow the universe just thinks it would be funny to fill that “free time” of yours with something that you need to. Visiting old friends? Nope. Dinner out? Nope. Sitting on the couch with your family? Nope. Sorry, that’s no longer things you do.

As the father of a special needs child, you quietly have to go to work and then to bed and then to work and then to bed all the while very aware of the insulting child comparisons online, aware of your wife complaining to other wives and comparing notes about how their husband is never around. You have to quietly wish for more, wish to do more, hate that you can’t do more because if you do complain, oh, you’ll hear about it. How dare you complain when you’re not even there doing anything?  You’ll have to quietly hate that your son will never follow in your footsteps or that you’ll never get really experience that “daddy’s little girl” feeling because if you do complain, then you’re in denial and not accepting your children for who they are. You have to sit quietly and wish that you could see friends more, that you could see your own wife more, that you could actually be the father that you’ve always dreamed you would be… because… because who would listen to you even if you did say anything?

No, there’ll never be a “What It Feels Like to Be a Special Needs Dad” article on any major news sites or anything (and no, this little blog most definitely does not count) because there is no one to write one. And if they did, no one to read it. Moms don’t want to hear it, dads are too busy to write or read it.

There are single parents out there taking care of their kids, sometimes more than 3 children all by themselves and they’re dads. Not the mom, dad. They’re doing it all on their own. It’s far more rare than single moms but they are out there. And because there are no articles written by them or about them or it just seems so impossible to imagine or relate to, they do it quietly, alone. There are stay at home dads too where the mom is almost never home having to foot the bill and miss out on all the family stuff. Those dads cook for their wives, do all the laundry, make and be at all the appointments. They do what needs to be done just as much as any mother in the same position, as does their wife who works and sleeps and works and sleeps.

No, we aren’t like all those other guys that live in denial, we’re certainly not like those dads that abandoned their families and we are most definitely not like the grown up children that you all seem to think is so funny. Just because the articles aren’t there, it doesn’t mean we’re not. Just because you aren’t hearing about all of our struggles, it doesn’t mean we’re not struggling. Just because you don’t read all about our emotions, it doesn’t meant that we don’t have any.

Our special needs child is just as much our child as yours. Moms and dads, working together. We exist. We matter.

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Autism and Thanksgiving – Be thankful for the struggles

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

We’re all aware of how difficult Thanksgiving can be when your child has autism. Not eating any of the 38 different kinds of food on the table, becoming overwhelmed and melting down, hurting one of the other children or themselves, being fed food that they shouldn’t have by some other family member, having to leave early… the list goes on and on. Children can often struggle with these situations as it is but when they have autism, it can sometimes seem downright unbearable. Even, avoidable… as in, just not doing Thanksgiving with family anymore.

Now, this is going to seem/feel dark but honestly… this needs to be said.

You could have had a miscarriage. Your child could have been born with cancer, half a heart or some other death sentence right from the start. Your child could have died from SIDS. Your child could have been killed in a car accident or lost at the hospital or contracted a deadly disease somehow, like whooping cough.

Listen, this is not something to think about at Thanksgiving but then again, maybe it is. Because you need to stop hating that your child has autism at Thanksgiving. You need to stop looking at the struggles and frustrations as such a terrible thing and start being thankful for what you have.

You have a child where so many others don’t anymore. Many people, right now, are trying to find reasons to be thankful when it feels like their whole world has been destroyed because their baby was taken from them.

Be thankful for the meltdowns, for the strange diet, for the late nights, for the costly therapy sessions… be thankful… for your child.

Would life be better without those struggles? Certainly. I know many people wish more than anything that their child didn’t have autism but right now… there are people who simply wish they had their child, period.

Be thankful for what you have because there are people who wish they had the same.

A big family turkey dinner might not happen as planned but it will happen. Be thankful for that.

For today, even if just today, but hopefully for always, be thankful for the struggles.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Countering snoring in children with Autism

It is not uncommon for toddlers and kids to experience trouble in enjoying an uninterrupted night’s sleep. Discomfort with the darkness, snoring, fear of dreams, and even the habits of sleep walking are deemed pretty routine affairs with children. However, if a child has had a history of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), any instances of troubled sleeping should never be ignored. These problems could well be taken as a measure of the ravages of ASD caused in the body. More importantly, by being conscious of the need to identify such uncommon sleep habits in children is the first step towards alleviating them, as it is certainly possible to do so, with just a few easy to understand and implement behavior strategies. Here, we try to understand the links between autism and sleeping troubles such as snoring, and also try to tell you more about the simple remedies for such situations.

Immobilier

Why children suffering from Autism are more prone to develop the habit of snoring?

There’s enough medical literature and research documentation to establish that children suffering from ASD are not great sleepers. Among the most common sleeping problems they exhibit are insomnia and sleep apnoea, which is primarily linked to snoring. Here are some of the causes that lead to these observations –

  • Children with ASD also suffer from problems such as throat infections, ear infections, and coughing. This leads them into sleeping with their mouths open, a natural reaction when clogged body airways necessitate more inhalation of air. This majorly leads to snoring in children diagnosed with autism.
  • Lack of communicative powers rendering children unable to tell their parents as to what they want to be able to sleep better, and unnatural emotional attachment to sleeping patterns which can get easily violated, are two lesser known yet correlated causes leading to disturbed sleep patterns, sleep apnea in general, and snoring in particular.
  • Anxiety is a serious deterrent for sleep in children being afflicted with ASD, which slowly but surely leads children into the habit of waking up a few minutes after falling asleep. This is known to worsen snoring in children.

Autism 2

Snoring solutions to bless children with uninterrupted sleep

A child losing their sleep is certainly not a great sign, and needs to be set right at the earliest, as lack of proper sleep can lead to several health complications in the child. Here are some effective snoring solutions and tips that can help children sleep better.

  • Among the simplest anti-snoring aids is an elevated neck position for the child. Such a position prevents the tongue from falling back in the mouth, and hence prevents snoring.
  • Give a warm bath to the child before putting it off to sleep, so that the airways in the nostrils and throat get cleared up and snoring can be avoided.
  • Consider using anti-snoring devices such as masks and mouthguards, as there are several manufacturers that make child-safe anti-snoring devices.
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