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Some Autism resolutions for New Years

I’m not really a big resolutions person. I believe that people should try to improve on themselves all year round, not just because they bought a new calendar.

Still though, it is a tradition and in that sense, I thought I’d offer up some thoughts on things that we all (or at least, most of us) could resolve to do a little more, less or better in the new year.

Some suggestions

2012 new year wishes on sea1. Stop using the word “retard” or “retarded” to describe things, situations or people that you do not understand or that makes no sense to you. In fact, stop using the word entirely.

2. Stop assuming you know a person’s life story by a brief moment in time. The lady at the store with the screaming child? You don’t know her. You don’t know her child. The homeless guy that only wants to share a smile with you? You don’t know how he got to be homeless. It could have been no fault of his own. The girl that gave up her baby to adoption, you don’t know her reasons or how it could have been if she didn’t. You do not know people based on 1 short experience.

3. Finish a debate or argument without using a single derogatory comment, name calling or reference to their own history/personality. Pick a disagreement, or try to do it with all disagreements, and make every effort to disagree based on facts, not emotions or personal opinions.

4. Stop making it your life mission to correct people on every little thing. The autistic person that calls themself autistic? Maybe you shouldn’t tell them to use “people first” language. The person who’s tried the gluten free diet but found no benefits, maybe they don’t need to hear why you think they are wrong. Inform folks, don’t feel you need to correct them all the time.

5. Stop reading into everything until you find the negative. Take a compliment, a kind thought or a good intention as it is intended and stop trying to find a way for it to be a bad thing. Ulterior motives, unintended meanings, alternate ways of interpreting… just stop. You know what they meant.

6. Slap yourself (metaphorically) the next time you tell yourself that you can’t do something or that you’re not good enough. Whether you have Autism or not. The next time your inner voice tries to stop you from doing something you really want to do… remind yourself that you promised to not listen one time… and do it.

7. Take something you feel negatively about and write out a list of 10 positives about it. If it’s Autism, write out 10 positives about Autism. If it’s city traffic, write out 10 positives about city traffic. It doesn’t matter what it is… just something that you really do not like. The goal is not to change your perspective such that you will now like it, but to realize that, if you give it some effort, you can find something good in the most unlikely of places… if you just stop the negativity for a moment and try.

8. Place a value on your time. Make “free time” a thing of the past and figure out how much your time is worth. Don’t joke about it, figure it out, even if it’s too low or too high. Now, the next time you find that you’re bored, being lazy AND… the next time that others ask you do things for them, keep that value in mind and ask yourself if it’s really worth your time… or if there is something better you could be doing. If your time is valuable (and it is), use it… do something with it. Get creative.

9. Donate or volunteer for something. If you did #8, you know that you are worth quite a bit. So put that value to good use and give some money or time to those that are in need of both. It doesn’t have to be a lot. But if you’re like me, it’s one of those things you have every intention of doing but just don’t.. or don’t do as much as you’d like. Make it happen.

10. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I’m proud of me”. Do this once a day if possible but even to do it just once in the new year, do it. In the mirror, looking yourself in the face. You’ll know if you’re being sincere or not… and do it until you are.

If you have Autism, be proud of who you are and in your strengths. You do have them. Be proud that you are you, no matter how much others may try or wish to change you. Be proud. You are not the exception… you are exceptional.

If you have a child with Autism, be proud that you’ve handled the looks, handled the added stresses, over come the struggles, that you’ve done more than you thought you were capable of for your child. Be proud that you’ve surpassed those “you’ll see” comments from family and friends when you first had a baby… those people, who thought you were in for a shock.. had no idea what it could really be like. You do, you did it.

Even if you have no disorder, no struggling loved ones… even if you look in the mirror and think “I have none of those reasons, why does my life seem so hard?”… stop thinking that and tell yourself “I’m proud of me.” Life is hard… for everyone! Don’t beat yourself because you have it worse and certainly don’t beat yourself up because you don’t. Be proud of who you are… it’s not a competition to see who has the most scars. Life dishes them out no matter who you are and it’s up to you to face those scars in the mirror and be proud of yourself.

Happy New Year

Stop making resolutions to lose weight, stop smoking or other “typical” ideals that you think that society would want you to make and start thinking about ways to just be happy with who you are.

Put aside any negativity that you can, incorporate any positivity that you can and just give it a try when you normally wouldn’t have.

Autism is a struggle, whether you have it or devote your life to a loved one that has it… it can be hard. Life itself, even if all goes well, can be hard.

Don’t let negativity in your own mind make it harder… and certainly don’t use that negativity to make someone else’s life harder.

Smile when you don’t feel like smiling. Find a positive where you see only negative. Tell yourself your proud of who you are even when all you can see is regret.

Be a little more understanding of others, accept them for who they are. Be a little more proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished. You’re a valuable person, even in your free time!

Have a very happy new year… you deserve it.

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That could apply to anyone

I can’t even begin to count the number of times that one of my statements or posts were responded to with “actually, that could apply to anyone” or something along those lines.

Some of my favourites:

  • That could apply to all parents
  • That could apply to any child
  • That could apply to any group of people
  • All people should do that
  • Everyone would be better off thinking that way

Why does it bother me so much?

For the first hundred times or so, those responses rather bothered me because this blog isn’t about most people… my twitter account is not about humans in general. I focus on Autism and that’s what I write about.

It also reminds me of all of the times where I’ve tried to explain the ways Autism affects my child where people would respond with “but that’s something a lot of children do” or “ya but that could just be a phase.”

It’s not exactly a closed minded response but in the moment, to a parent with child that has Autism, it can feel like it. You just want to grab them by the collar and say “You’re not listening to me!” Well, ok, maybe not to that extreme but it is frustrating.

For a while, it got on my nerves, making me want to reply to them… explain that the world isn’t my focus, Autism is… but after the first hundred times or so, I started to like hearing it.

dare to be differentIt does apply to anyone!

The truth is that people say that because the things I share really do apply to all parenting, to all children and to all others in general.

Parenting methods, children being children…. almost all of any of the things that we can talk or write about in regards to Autism truly does tend to apply to anyone. We all know that, it’s not the individual “quirks”, it’s the amount of quirks and severity of those quirks which indicate the presence of Autism.

I say “quirks” because when it’s not Autism, that’s what they are.. quirks. Right? A stimming behavior without the communication impairment, social issues or other symptoms is simply a quirk.

So when I write about routines, methods to improve behavior, general observations about how people are, parents are, autistics are… the truth is, 99 times out of 100, those things could apply to everyone.

And that’s a good thing… because autistics are everyone. “Different, not less” is right but at the same time, everyone is different. And if everyone is different, then we’re all the same too. Our differences don’t divide us… they unite us.

So yes, it still bugs me still… in a way, because I didn’t call my website “EVERYONE from a father’s point of view”… so I’m not going to write about everyone. But at the same time, in a way, it brings me comfort that the things I say about Autism and autistics really could apply to everyone.

Every time someone says that, I’m reminded once again that maybe autistics aren’t quite so different after all.

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Autism – is it an adjective, a definition, a description?

Well, actually Autism the name of a specific disorder as well as a whole spectrum of disorders that includes Autism itself. But that’s the technical stuff and my mind tends to work in the abstract a little better. When I talk about Autism, it’s in relation to a person, usually my son. And it’s in this way that I try to clarify exactly what Autism is to me as well as what it may be to others.

I won’t try to tell you what it should be for you or anyone else because, as I’m about to explain, it can be different for everyone.

questionsDoes it define a person?

The popular opinion, from what I can tell, is that Autism is usually considered one of a long list of adjectives. For example; my son is 6 years old, dark haired, very funny, autistic and very good at math.

In this context, it gives a person some insight into what my son is like, providing they know a little bit about Autism. It is just as important and just as relevant as everything else I included in the list but it’s also just as unimportant… him being funny isn’t exactly going to give you his life story, as an example.

But is it really that simple? For some people with Autism, no it’s not.

Being a spectrum, Autism can range from leaving a person dependent on care for life, unable to speak or function within the “norms of society”… all the way to the other end of the spectrum where an autistic can become famous and rich using the amazing “gifts” that Autism has provided them… such as a photographic memory, amazing artistic or musical skill, a super computer for a brain or any other number of skills.

Most people fit somewhere in the middle of the spectrum.

The reason I mention this is that autistics are often asked how much of a role Autism plays in defining them and I’ve been fortunate enough to see quite a few responses… and they range as widely as the Autism spectrum itself.

There are those who, like the adjective example above, feel that Autism is simply another trait of their existence and therefore no more or less important than other characteristics that may be used to describe them.

There are others who simply don’t understand what the big deal is anyway and just refuses to put that much thought into it. They are who they are and whether or not they have Autism is not on their mind any more than their blood type. It is what it is, unless someone asks you, no one really puts much thought into it.

Finally, there are those who feel that Autism absolutely does define who they are in that it affects every aspect of their life. It affects how they can and can not interact with others, how signals are perceived via their senses (amplified, dulled, filtered, unfiltered), it affected how they were treated in school, work and life in general… from morning until night, 7 days a week, Autism makes every aspect of their life different and thus, very much defines who they are.

So which is it?

Well, I already told you that I won’t try to tell you what is right and what is wrong… I won’t try to convince any of those people I’ve mentioned to see things differently than they do because not only is that not my place but I don’t believe an of those people are wrong.

We all see life differently, we all see ourselves differently and we all have the freedom to feel about it how ever we want.

I don’t think that Autism defines who my child is… he is so much more than the struggles and other effects that Autism has on him. Still though, as he gets older, he might not see it that way. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong or that he’s wrong either.

The only ones that are wrong in this scenario, are the ones who tell others that they are wrong. The people who turn these types of discussions into an argument, a “heated debate” or start pulling out derogatory statements about “the type of people” who think one way or another.

Keep an open mind. The reasons make perfect sense. If anything, you’ll find yourself conflicted as you find yourself agreeing with the various stances on the subject.

That’s ok too. It’s a good place to be. You’re taking the time to understand, not judge.

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Which child am I talking about? [Game]

trivia

Let’s play a little game.

I have two children, one with Autism and one without. So I’ll tell you something about each of them and you try to guess which child is which.

First, some background

Cameron is 6.5 years old now and has Autism.
Tyler turns 4 in 2 weeks (so we’ll just pretend he is 4) and does not have Autism… nor any other disorders/syndromes that we’re aware of.

So I’ll tell you something, then you tell me which child is which. I’ll put the answers at the bottom.

Which is which?

1. One child refuses to eat most foods while the other child loves to eat most foods.

2. One child loves working with his hands, doing arts and crafts while the other child does not.

3. One child loves sweet foods, such as chocolate and the other child prefers salty foods, such as chips.

4. One child has several friends at school while the other has a hard time making friends.

5. One child says “fine, you’re not my friend anymore!” and storms off to his room when mad. The other child hits, kicks, throws things and screams uncontrollably.

6. One child has to have a hug and kiss before bed while the other prefers a comfy blanket.

7. One child is eager to go to school and play while the other feels abandoned and lost.

8. One child gets very sucky and whiny when sick while the other child shuts down and sits quietly all day.

9. One child could listen to his mom read a story book for hours while the other can’t make it through a single page.

10. One child can throw a ball like a 6 year old while the other child can throw a ball like a 3 year old.

Have you figured who is who?

Based on everything you know about Autism, some of these answers should be fairly obvious. However, I think some of them may still surprise you. For the answers, read below.

Which witch is which? The answers!

Alright, here we go… and remember, Cameron is 6 and has Autism. Tyler is 4 and does not have Autism.

1. Cameron was a born pasta eater. He has refused to eat meat since birth, refused almost all vegetables and most fruits, preferring primarily to eat pasta, cheese and potatoes. He ate his food mashed/blended right up until his 6th birthday. Which was great because we could hide meats and veggies in his food that way.
Tyler, on the other, went straight from baby formula to chicken wings and ribs. That kid will eat virtually anything.

2. The child that loves to do arts and crafts and is always dying to do things with his hands is Tyler. He’s our little artist, usually preferring to paint or work with play dough rather than playing a video game or going somewhere.
Cameron’s main areas of interest are books, video games and movies… in that order. He loves how the stories play out.

3. Our choco-holic is Cameron. He has a sweet tooth and would eat an entire Easter bunny in one sitting if we let him. Meanwhile Tyler would likely take 2 hours to eat a bunny’s ears and have it melted all over the place. But a bag of chips? He’d devour in minutes.

4. The popular boy at school is Cameron. He has several friends, even one that he considers his best friend. He even has some friends in another class besides his.
Tyler, on the other hand, is very shy and would rather hide behind me (if I’m there) than talk to anyone… even teachers. He’s very uncomfortable talking to anyone at school. In contrast though, he has the most amazing, hilarious and vibrant personality… once you can get him to talk.

5. So which child hits, kicks, throws and screams when he gets mad? Tyler. Tyler has always been unusually aggressive when he gets upset and even though he’s about to turn 4, it has not slowed down.
Cameron used to get plenty mad and still has complete meltdowns to this day (just not as frequent) but he has never been aggressive/violent. He will break things, but doesn’t throw anything at anyone or hit anyone. These days, he tends to just leave and find a place to be by himself.

6. My hugger and kisser before bed is Cameron. He refuses to let me leave his bedroom at bed time without getting a hug, a kiss and then he also kisses me on each cheek. It’s his bed time ritual.
Tyler often wants a hug and kiss too, but mostly when Cameron reminds him of such a thing. Sometimes even then he will just snuggle up with his “blankey” and be perfectly content in me just getting out of there to leave him sleep.

7. Since you’ve read the friend answer above, you likely know the answer to this one… Tyler feels abandoned at school. Every single day he tells us that he does not want to go despite the fact that he actually has a lot of fun while there and does very well.
Cameron, on the other hand, looks forward to getting back there on Monday after having a couple of days off. He really enjoys being there.

8. Our sucky and whiny sicky is Tyler. He cries easily, wants stuff all the time, always feels so miserable… he becomes a very big handful when he’s sick.
Cameron though, is quite the opposite. In fact, sometimes we don’t even know he’s sick until later in the day when we realize that he just isn’t getting off the couch or doing much of anything. If he seems quieter than normal, less active… then we check his temperature. Most of the time, that’s how we know there’s something wrong.

9. Again, I’ve sort of already answered this one but my story book lover is Cameron. Not only does he absolutely love stories, he becomes fully immersed in them. You can read a story to him in September one time and he can tell you about it in April. He doesn’t just memorize it though, he understands it and enjoys it.
Tyler has a very short attention span for stories. He either talks through it or wanders off. He says he does like the stories, he says he does want to hear a story but he just can’t sit still for that long.

10. Throwing a ball… you likely know where I’m going with this one.
Cameron is the one that throws like a 3 year old while Tyler can throw like, probably better than, a 6 year old.
Cameron, due to his Autism, and lack of wanting to really even try much, has under developed motor control. That is to say, he doesn’t have the muscle capacity or muscle control to hold, swing, release and get the ball moving very far, very fast or very accurately.
Tyler, on the other hand, can throw a ball pretty far. He’s always eager to throw the ball for our dog, he’s always eager to throw anything that he sees me throw to see if he can do it. Also, his temper tantrums that I mentioned earlier give him lots of practice in the throwing department as well.

So how did you do?

Some of the questions were a bit personal and if you don’t read much of my blog, may be a shot in the dark while other questions may seem obvious due to the traditional symptoms of Autism.

Still though, I bet some of the answers may have come as a surprise, for the same reason… the traditional symptoms of Autism.

And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Autism is such a varied and complicated disorder… what may be true for 1,000,000 autistics isn’t necessarily true for the next autistic that you meet.

As much as it’s possible for a child without Autism to be super shy, aggressive when mad, picky when eating or any other trait you might associate with Autism, it’s also possible for a child that does have Autism to not have those traits.

I certainly didn’t write this to trick anyone… these are honest answers. I really did write about my boys.

But perhaps it will help to demonstrate just how little we can simply assume to know about a person. Common traits are not guaranteed traits.

So, how did you do? Please share in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.

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Understanding… The bigger picture

For the last couple of years, I’ve really been pushing the idea of taking awareness of Autism and upgrading it to understanding and acceptance. I truly believe that, while awareness is a great start, it’s simply not enough in that, being aware of something doesn’t necessarily mean you understand it. And what most autistics need is some level of understanding and, of course, acceptance of who they are.

Understanding of…

The thing is, you don’t have to necessarily understand every nuance about Autism… it would be nice. If everyone just instantly knew all about Autism, acceptance would be a breeze. But you don’t have to.

What you do have to understand is that there is a reason.

When you see someone acting strangely on the street corner, when you see someone being mean and rude in general, when you see someone hitting themself, when you see a person being… not what you expect… there is a reason.

Perhaps the person has a disability/special need, perhaps the person had a really bad day (fired, family member died, lost everything), perhaps the person simply is the way they are… it is not personal. It’s nothing against you.

All you need to do is understand that there is a reason. Rather than say “that person is weird” or to think about how what they’re doing affects you… instead, ask yourself what the reason could be. Perhaps it’s bigger than you think. Perhaps it’s not. But there is a reason.

It’s not always Autism… so it’s not just for autistics that I push for understanding.

But I do know this. If people stop judging and take a moment for greater understanding when they see an autistic acting “against the norm”… then perhaps those people will take a moment for greater understanding in all circumstances.

Don’t let someone lashing out at you affect your day. They had a reason and it wasn’t you. Don’t let someone acting strangely affect how you see people. They have a reason… they’re not strange.

Greater understanding… it starts when you stop taking it personally and judging the person for it.

Acceptance

With understanding comes acceptance… once you come to understand how a person is, how they think and who they are… you accept them.  You may wish to avoid the person who lashes out at strangers when they have a bad day, but you accept them for that.

Same with people with special needs, or even just regular every day people who go about their life differently than you do.

They have a reason for being who they are just as much as you have a reason for being who you are. And if you understand that, you can accept that.

I want for people to accept me for who I am just as much as I want for people to accept my children for who they are. Not because one has Autism and not because one does not. But because they are who they are.

Just One

If you can gain understanding and acceptance for just one new person, someone you see as different than yourself, someone you do not yet know… then you can do it for anyone and everyone.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Autism, Tourettes, Down Syndrome, political differences, religious differences… anything! If you can gain greater understanding and acceptance of anyone… you have the tools necessary to do that for everyone.

Be quick to to understand…. not judge.

acceptance

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