Why did I leave Autism out of the title?
Well, that’s because there are far more risks to every childbirth than just Autism. There’s the chance of a still birth, cancer, down syndrome and a whole host of other disorders, illnesses, ailments and even death. In some cases, a death sentence. Some children are born with cancer that kills them 2 or 3 years after birth.
What a harsh way to start a blog post right? I know. But I think that sometimes we Autism parents can forget the realities of our situation… there are people out there who have it so much worse.
The reason for this post is that many people have concern over recent findings in a study that I covered earlier today on this blog: Autism Study of The Month: Recurrence Risk for Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Baby Siblings Research Consortium Study
The risks of any younger sibling
That being said, that there are a large number of risks, you have to realize that any and all of those birth risks are possible in all births. That means, the first child you have has a risk.
Knowing that, any child you have afterwards has an increased risk.
How do I know that?
Well, if there’s a 10% risk of a disorder at childbirth… then having 2 children means you have a 10% chance and a 10% chance.. a 20% chance.
That’s actually not quite right, satistically but for the argument of this article, it’s close enough.
You essentially double your chances by having a second child because you took the risk twice. That increases every time you have another child.
That’s for anything and everything… not just Autism.
What does it say when you don’t take the risk?
So you don’t want to take the risk of having a second child with Autism? Have you ever asked yourself: “Why is that?”
Let’s not pretend that having children with Autism is not hard and it certainly does cost a lot… we all know that.
But is that the real reason? Or is there something more to it? Let me put it this way: If you did have get pregnant a second time and discovered the child would be born with Autism, would you have an abortion?
Take some time to really think about it… is there some level of denial there? What does this say about your acceptance of your child with Autism?
Conclusion
For me personally, I love my son with Autism, not despite Autism. I think he’s amazing and has taught me a lot more in 6 years than I did in the 30 years prior.
Having a second child with or without Autism just does not seem like a risk to me.
I’ve had a few people on Twitter ask me what I thought of the recent findings… they asked me if I would take the risk or avoid the risk.
My response was this:
Decide whether or not to have another child with your heart, not your fears.
Ask yourself if you love your child. Ask yourself if you love your family. Ask yourself if you want to add another beautiful child to your family. Ask yourself what you heart is telling you.
Weigh the pros and cons, I’m not saying that there are no financial responsbilities or unforeseen risks that may arise but be aware that those finances and risks are always there, regardless of siblings or studies.
If no one had children for fear of the risks.. there would be no children.
I totally agree with this post and your opinion. I am the mother of 3 beautiful children. the oldest without Autism and the younger ones with Autism. The younger two are 15 months apart so by the time I was getting my middle child tested I was already pregnant. By all means having 3 kids was what me and my husband wanted with Autism or without. They both make us learn something new everyday and we love all our kids equally.
My wife and I struggled with this more out of the fear that we wouldn’t be able to devote enough attention to both our children because of the litany of things we do on a daily basis here. I know numerous families where their autistic child is their last child, regardless of how many children they have, and I understand their decision. We deliberated a long time about whether we could realistically go through the daily therapy schedules with a second child – assuming he was autistic – while still taking care of the schedules of the first.
The reality is that you can what-if yourself to death. What actually does happen will almost always be something other than what you expected. We got to where we decided that we still wanted a second child (we originally settled on that before we got married), trusted our strength as a couple and as a family, and believed in the capacity of love to grow to meet the needs of those it embraces.
Our second son could not be more different from our first. He’s a little over two now, appears to be neurotypical, and has a personality to fill any room. They both do. He’s his own wonderful little person, and he taught me what I think is the answer to this question. Each of our sons is a unique creation. There was never any planning for who either would become. That was for us to discover as a family because we trusted our hearts in wanting a second child and that we would all be able to find our way along this journey together.
Our hearts originally said years ago that we wanted two children, we chose to follow that, and we have these two amazing sons. They are both perfect, and we feel that our lives are manyfold richer now.
Like you said, life is risk. There’s no way to predict anything. The best we can do is listen to our hearts and trust in the strength we have as a family, but that is a lot right there. In fact, I think it is everything.
I am struggling with this exact issue right now. My firstborn is over 4 years old and is on the spectrum. He is now doing amazingly well. About a year ago we started trying for another child, and two weeks ago I miscarried my pregnancy. The overall risks of trying again really intimidate me. Deciding with your heart, not your fears sounds like very good advice. I will try to follow it.
I want another child but get terrified of the possibility the second child being severely autistic. I don’t know what to do. So I googled about the topic and came across this article. Thank you so much. All of a sudden, I feel I am in control of my fears now.
I’ve been feeling very odd about this. You are so right. Thanks you for your words and stance. I agree 100% I have a 2yr who has just been diagnosed and it has been a tough realization. But sometimes I can’t picture myself going through it again….but I can do it again and will if I have to. God makes no mistakes
I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) with my youngest son (who is now 3) when my oldest son (who is now 6) was starting the early intervention, diagnosis, etc. gauntlet. I distinctly remember uttering a curse word and feeling terrified when I saw the 2 pink lines appearing on the pregnancy test. I had to take more than a few moments and many prayers making the conscious choice to push away my fears (of miscarriage, of autism, of if I would be able to provide for my firstborn’s increasing needs with a baby to add to the equation). I decided ultimately all we can do is walk by faith, control is really an illusion. Anything can happen on any given day. Who has a life that turned out perfectly according to Plan A? Do we view those situations as irresponsible or reckless?
Fast forward to where I am now, my oldest is doing remarkably well (although yes I still have those occasional days when I just sit in my car and cry or scream from frustration with some of his more severe behaviors), his little brother shows some Asperger’s like traits but when tested was only officially diagnosed as intellectually gifted, and the best part is that my youngest is the BEST THERAPY my oldest could ever have. My oldest son’s social skills, behavior, and communication skills started to parallel his younger brother’s and now they are on about the same developmental level (due to one being developmentally delayed and the other being intellectually advanced). He has the benefit of a buddy to play with, who can engage him in play like no adult ever has been able. Some of the rigid thought patterns have gone away as my oldest has been forced to learn to share a room, share toys, take turns, and get along with a brother. I believe a little brother was just what my oldest needed and to think that he would have never had that had I let my fears rule my decisions.
Now we wonder about the possibility of having a third child, but due to the economy and our financial situation are deciding against it for now.